Week One with Ellie

Eliana Jane Cronin

Hospital Log

Week 1

*May 4, 2016—Born at 5:18pm  2 lbs 7oz (1106 grams)    15 inches long      in Columbus, MS

at Baptist Memorial Hospital Golden Triangle

We met you at about 9:30pm.  Your little teeny body shocked us. But we fell in love.  Daddy gave you a blessing quietly that evening.  

  

 

 

When you grabbed my finger, you truly grabbed my heart

*May 5, 2016— Same weight and length, I guess!

You received a Priesthood blessing from your Daddy and a helpful Priesthood holder willing to help!

You took your first helicopter ride to Jackson, MS and landed on top of UMMC, where you were taken to the NICU there to be taken care of.  I held you for the first time today! It was so special!  I think maybe you pooped this day? You wear micro-preemie diapers, they are tiny!!! 

 

Preemie Diaper vs. Micro-Preemie Diaper! Huge difference! You are so little!

The wretched CPAP bubble. It is hard to know what you even look like!!

So tiny. So many things on you. I love your little hand grabbing my finger and my heart!

*May 6, 2016— Weight___?____ ( I didn't realize this day that I wanted to keep track of your weight)

You met Aunt Adi today and Meme. I held you skin to skin for the first time, it was amazing!!!!  Porter decided to compare his foot size to yours!  

Aunt Adi loves you!

First Skin to skin

kangaroo care is magical!

Ellie's feet vs Porter's giant foot!

Trying out a pacifier, seems kinda huge!

    

*May 7, 2016—- Weight__?__

Austin Thomas’s funeral was today. You were the special relief after that difficult time. Uncle Ron meet you for the first time!  Porter was able to come see where you lived, but didn’t yet get to see you! We got to see a peek at your beautiful hair today!! 

after visiting you we ate at Ichiban
 and Porter played with his food!

   

*May 8, 2016——Weight 1060 grams

Mother’s Day!! What a special gift that you came so early to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.  I got to spend time holding you doing skin to skin. So special!

Meme and Double came to visit! Double was a little too nervous to touch you. You were getting a tan when we came ;), just a little photo therapy to keep your bilirubin in check! 

Under the Bili Lights, getting a tan ;)

*May 9, 2016—-Weight 1060 grams

Visited you and did skin to skin. That’s my favorite! To spend time holding you, hoping you are getting used to me.

Birth Mom requested your birth certificate, so that we could get it to help complete the adoption.  I caught you with your eyes open today! 

*May 10, 2016—- Weight 1060 grams

Mommy and Daddy’s 14 year anniversary! I went to a lactation specialist to see if I could get some milk flowing for you.

We filed a complaint for adoption.  Got it filed

Birth Mom and Birth Dad signed the papers that would officially make you ours.  They sent them in the mail and overnighted them to get here quick.

   I was able to hold you and do skin to skin, the highlight of my day!!! You are so tiny!! You have had some photo therapy due to some higher bilirubin levels.  The little shades you wear are adorable!
Today I got to go to a baby shower for a friend of yours that will be born soon!!!

Will love to be able to see your face once that CPAP is gone!

Soon we will have a baby shower for you little Peanut!

Announcing Eliana Jane!

More to follow.....

Dear Expectant Parent,

   I have thought about writing this letter a hundred times, and it is really hard to know where to start....

   But let me introduce you to my wonderful family!  We are the Cronin's; Thomas, Sarrah, Porter and Adelaide.

  However partial I may be, I have a pretty amazing little family here.  We are so grateful to have had 2 children of our own, the 'normal' biological way. I consider them heavenly gifts sent straight to our home.  I always wanted to be a Mother, ever since I can remember.  I love the miracle of life, having a teeny tiny little person slowly grow within my belly.  And feeling the magic of each little flutter, each precious hiccup, each stretch and somersault! It is such a wonderful and divine opportunity as women, to experience pregnancy.  And I am so thankful that I did get to experience it twice in my life to full term.  After the birth of our daughter, Adelaide (Addie for short), I had many complications.    Last year a small miracle did happen, I was pregnant, for but a moment, and then miscarried. If you read further in my blog to previous posts, you can read all about it. It is probably one of the most heartbreaking and devastating times of my life.  Since then, we have been unsuccessful to get pregnant again, although we are still trying, still being hopeful.  But, being realistic, which is hard for me to fully accept, I probably won't be able to get pregnant again. And we won't be able to grow our family the 'usual' way.  I know how lucky we are to have 2 healthy, beautiful and amazing children, and to have a boy and a girl even!  But, if there is one thing I know for certain, our family is not yet complete.  I can say that, knowing just as the sun rises every day, it is a fact.  There is a stirring inside me, an unrest, an urgency to continue to grow my family.  We pray every day that our family can have another baby.  I won't stop trying, searching, opening every door I can so that I can complete my family.  I have known for a while now, that a little spirit, whether still in Heaven or on Earth, doesn't want me to give up  on the search to find him or her....or them.

     A few years ago I had a dream.  My family was on a vacation in Puerto Rico (it was a very specific dream :) ). We were leaving the hotel to go on some fun adventure in the rain forest.  Before we left, my son Porter said he needed to use the bathroom.  So, he went into the lobby bathroom.  In the dream, Thomas, Addie and I decided to wait for Porter outside by a big beautiful fountain on a little hill in front of the hotel.  But we had forgotten to tell Porter of this plan.  After a while, Porter came running to us in a complete panic.  We had all been so enchanted by this fountain, and didn't realize just how scared he had become looking for us.  He was frantic and was crying when he had finally found us.  In the dream, he hugged me and said " I couldn't find you! (sobbing) Mom, I don't want to be one of those lost boys..."  I knelt down beside him, wiped some of his tears away and told him "Porter, if you were ever lost, I would never stop looking for you."

      That dream has had such significance to me as the years passed by.  It is true for the  precious children I do have, if they were ever lost, I would never stop looking for them until I found them.  And so it is still, I know that there is a child out there, or maybe (and hopefully) "children" out there.  I will never stop searching, never stop seeking, until I find them.  I don't want any of my children to be "lost" from our family.

       I have been praying and begging my Heavenly Father to direct our family in our quest to have more children.  Everything can feel so daunting and overwhelming and confusing (as maybe you might understand all those emotions).  I pray that he will lead you on your journey, and maybe we will have the same destination, just different endings.  Through my many prayers, that hopefully Heavenly Father hasn't grown weary of, He has lead me, slowly, kindly  and gently.  I was reading in the scriptures, and was lead to a scripture that gave me some peace that I was on the right path.  It was Ephesians 1:4-6 " 4 According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love:

 5 Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will,

 6 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved."

 Maybe,  all along adoption has been part of the plan for our family.

     We hope that we can be entrusted with another child to add to our family.  We have so much love to give.  We hope you will honor us with your consideration to be the family you choose to so trustingly give your child to.  We promise to love and cherish the amazing gift and treasure that you can give to our family.  Forever we will be connected with love.

Sincerely,

The Cronin's

Thomas, Sarrah, Porter & Adelaide

Family is Forever

About Us

About Porter.....

   Porter is 10 years old.  He is our outdoor explorer.  He loves to be outside, studying bugs and rocks, catching frogs and climbing trees.  He is very imaginative and creative.  If there was a boy that thinks outside the box, it is him!  He can bombard you with endless "What if" questions, which is both endearing and obnoxious at the same time!  This past summer he went zip-lining and now Porter has a serious love for it.  He even attempted to create his own zip line by tying a rope from tree to tree.  He is one that I definitely keep my eye on!  Porter stays cautious at first, watches to gain understanding.  But once he gets a feel for something he is all hands in!

Porter in his element!

Porter is full of adventure and can keep himself occupied and entertained for hours outside playing.  One of the great things about Mississippi is the outdoors!  So much to explore and find!  Porter loves to play basketball and baseball.  He was on a swim team this summer and did great! Watch out Michael Phelps! ;)

   Porter is a tender spirit.  He pretends he is super tough, but deep down he truly is a sensitive guy.  Soon enough he will be more protective of his little sister , but for now he seems to enjoy teasing her.  But, there are those special moments where you can find them playing together, sharing toys and laughing so loud!  It is truly music to my ears! Porter is in 5th grade and he loves Science and Math!

About Addie.......

     Adelaide is 5 years old, and my little helper! She is always willing and excited to help with chores, just as long as she gets to work alongside someone!  Without necessarily meaning to, Addie (as we mostly call her) says and does some of the funniest things!  She has told me " Mom! When we have a baby, I'll take care of it.  You can just sit and relax on the couch!" Ha ha!  She is such a charmer.  Addie will be a wonderful big sister and definitely a great help to me with a baby!  Addie takes great care of all her dolls and toys.  She names them all, one of her favorites is named "Charlick" :)

Addie wanted me and her to draw our family with a  new baby.

I love her artwork!

     Addie, like her brother and Dad, is a great little artist.  If she is not next to me helping with a project, I can find her with a stack of papers, writing her name and drawing people.  Addie received so many art supplies for her birthday this year, but at her rate she will be through them by Christmas!

     Addie wants to grow up to be a rock star! Apparently she already has a band.  She plans to be the lead singer and I am hoping the piano lessons both her and her brother are taking will give her an edge in the music industry ;)  And I'm sure if her rock band breaks up, she will cling to her back up of Doctor, police woman, and Mommy.

     Addie is our cuddle bug!  Her most favorite thing to do is pop popcorn, cuddle up on the couch and watch a show!  She is easy to please, amidst all her chatter and drama!  She is a Daddy's girls, but always fiercely loyal to her Mommy.  She loves her brother so much and always tries to give him hugs and kisses, he doesn't always accept them, but that doesn't slow her persistence.

   

First Day of Preschool

 

Addie has a late summer birthday, so she is in preschool this year.  She loves school so much, and it is very important to her to be her best and make sure the teacher knows it!  She loves to play with her friends there too!

Addie is our sweet little girl who loves her family so much and prays every night for a little brother or sister.....she told me she doesn't care which!

About Thomas    (as written by   Sarrah)......

    Thomas is the youngest of 3, although he may be the biggest of his siblings, standing 6'5"!  He grew up in Mississippi, with all the thrills of the outdoors; hunting, fishing, four-wheeling, camping, the works!  He still has a great love for the outdoors and the beauty of nature.

Thomas on a fishing trip

We still live in Mississippi and enjoy the wonderful outdoors (minus the bugs, except Porter does!).  There are so many adventures to be had here in the south!

 Thomas served a two year mission to Brazil, which helped him learn to love and serve others and to love and serve the Lord. Living in a third world country taught him just how much he has and just how much he has to give.

     Thomas is a jack of all trades, which truly has blessed our family.  It is nice to have someone so handy to fix all the little things and the ability to handle any task that might need to be done.  We have always felt so secure knowing Thomas is there to take care of our family in all aspects of our lives; home repair, car repair, but more importantly he provides for us, protects us and leads us spiritually.

     Thomas loves to come home from work  and spend time with family.  A lot of Thomas's family lives here in Mississippi, immediate and extended.  So, there is always a lot of family gatherings to attend, and so many cousins for our kids to grow up with.  Porter and Addie love to wrestle with Thomas, ride along with him in his truck, or anything in general.  They can't get enough of play time with Daddy.  They especially enjoy it when Thomas reads to them before they go to bed.

     Thomas is a hard worker.  For a lot of our marriage he had been in school.  We moved around quite a bit to try different careers for Thomas.  From working as a manager at a bottling company, to hurricane clean up, to a police officer.  He finally found his niche in construction.  He owns his own successful construction business that he has built from the ground up with his cousin as his business partner.  He has finally found something that he loves and he works so hard at.  His determination to succeed is driven by his love for his family.

     Thomas is a tender spirit and loves deeply.  He is a great communicator. He is patient and understanding and helps me to be a better wife and mother.  Although I know work stresses him out, he rarely brings that stress home with him.  

Lucky 13 !!!

     We have been married for 13 wonderful years.  We have had our ups and downs, we have had our disappointments and sorrows, and we have had the most wonderful blessings and moments too.  I am so grateful for Thomas, and the man he has become, and the father he is. I love him so much!

About   Sarrah    (as written by Thomas)......

Sarrah and her siblings

Like the spelling of her name Sarrah is cut from a different mold.  There is very little that is ordinary about Sarrah.  While she is a beautiful woman and very much a lady when needs be, Sarrah can let loose and be the life of the party.  She grew up with five brothers, what more need be said. Sarrah also has 2 sisters. A big family, with big personalities! 

      Sarrah grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah.  She served in the Arkansas Little Rock Mission for 18 months.  Part of her mission included areas of Mississippi, which helped give her a flavor of the south.  She is an adopted Southern Belle, so to speak!   
     Sarrah  has a great sense of humor and is a fierce competitor. 

HiiT Girls!

She loves teaching her daily fitness class (HiiT: High Intensity Interval Training) and playing in her weekly soccer league.  Sarrah also has great  organizational skills and has the ability to lead and delegate responsibilities so that things get done; whether planning an event for our Church, or planning a birthday party or social gathering.  She has a very large responsibility of organizing and leading the women in our church.  With this responsibility much sacrifice of time is required.  Simply said, she is a "doer".

This carries over well into our home.  Sarrah is a great mother!  She nurtures our children and helps instill in them principles of hard work, honesty, and personal responsibility.  Like their father, the kids equally love and cherish their time with Sarrah.  Sarrah and I have regular "daddy daughter" and "mother son" ( and vice versa) date nights with our children. 

Due to Sarrah's choice to stay home with the children she is available to them most of the day.  This is very important to our family that our children come home from school to Mom each day.  She works with them on their homework and has them help with household chores.  She has even taught them to wash their own clothes, with a little assistance and encouragement.  She gets them ready and takes them to after school activities.   

One of the greatest attributes that I love about Sarrah is that she is not a "drama queen" or a "gossip".  I know that may sound strange, but it allows us to have balance and steadiness in our home and our marriage.  This is something that I believe is very healthy for our children.  

Although Sarrah has been through a lot with the miscarriage and such, she has never displayed the attitude of a victim.  She never gives up on what she believes in and is unwavering in her faith.  I love Sarrah for her perspective on life and her understanding of the eternal consequences of choices.  It is that attitude which drives her to grow our family and to make the righteous choices she does. 

Thank you!

Thank you so much for taking to the time to meet our family! Please feel free to share our blog and feel free to contact us! Cronin.fam.4@gmail.com

"We may not have it all together, but together we can have it all"

9 months later....

Today, June 2, 2015,  my baby was due to be born. Sadly, there is no baby, we lost him in November. (I looked back at my blog and it said my due date was June 5, 2015....oops, bad memory I guess, but the feelings are definitely the same) 
  But, for a while I have been reflecting on the "What If" of everything. What if I was still pregnant, or what if I had had him early, like my other two kids. What would he look like, who would he resemble more. What color would his eyes be? Would he be born with a full head of hair. How big would he have been?  I won't lie, it hurts to even think about, like suddenly all the air has been sucked out of my lungs. A lot has happened since then, and I feel like I have grown a lot.  But, it still hurts, it's still raw in my heart.

          After we lost the baby on November 7, and had the D & C, it was very difficult.  I stayed hidden.  Eventually I came out of hiding.  I continued to bleed after the D & C.  It was different from before.  But it bothered me, because it just kept going.  Like a constant jab at my heart, of what I had lost.  My family and I went home for Christmas, it was great to see my family and feel of their love.  Some very special people even had my blog published into a book, only 10 copies are available! Ha! And it is on Amazon, but without the ability to purchase it.  So, basically I am a published author, which is kind of a big deal!  I felt a lot of love and warmth from my family.  I didn't open up too much about it, it was still very soon after the fact.  My older sister, Jen, had our family have a "Walk with Christ", which through song and word and action, we learned and in a sense, walked with Christ.  It was something I needed at the moment.  I had still had hard feelings about my loss.  And I needed a reminder that I was not alone in those feelings.  That if anyone knew about loss and heart ache, it was the Lord.  And that I needed to depend on him through my trials, and recommit myself to him.  I am grateful for the Spirit in my life, and pray that I can be worthy of the Spirit more regularly.  Home, family, friends....are all a part of healing.  I am so lucky and blessed to have so many special people around me, who make me feel so loved.

          Yet, I continued to bleed.  It was aggravating.  I was told that I could bleed for 4-6 weeks after the surgery.  I was just so tired of bleeding.  It would seem that I would bleed more during when I should be having my period.  And I hoped it would stop after that....but it didn't.  The doctor said we could try again after we had had 2 cycles or so.  But, with this continued bleeding, how would I know if I was having a cycle or not.  I didn't feel okay trying to get pregnant, when I hadn't first stopped bleeding. January came and went.  I was starting to get nervous again.  And stressed out that I might have to have another D&C to stop this bleeding and possibly cause another case of Asherman's syndrome, possibly.  And then I started looking at the cost, how much would this all cost me? I talked to Thomas, and asked how much we would get on our tax return, it came out to be about as much as the surgery would cost.  I told him, with tears in my eyes, that we would be probably spending it on another surgery.  I was so tired of being so out of control.  Why wouldn't my body just work like it was meant to?!  I was getting so frustrated.

          It was the week of February 9, 2015....  I had decided to myself that if it had not stopped by the end of the week, I would contact my Doctor and most likely schedule another D&C.  Thursday came and the bleeding go much heavier that night.  I called the office in the morning.  They told me that the doctor would see me Monday, and unless I bleed through a pad within an hour, I shouldn't worry too much.....ha, I had heard that before.  I still felt uneasy, so I text the doctor. I told him my concerns, and told him I had even passed a little tissue, at least from what I could tell.  He told me he approved of me having a period, if this was a period.  Maybe a Montezuma's Revenge of periods, and maybe if that was what it was, maybe finally all of this bleeding would stop.  He told me, that if I passed out or felt anemic to come right in.  So, I began thinking, maybe this was just a period after all.  No big deal. The bleeding was much heavier than it had been, and much heavier than the times I thought I might be having a period.... so maybe it was all a good thing.  Thomas and I had plans to go out with one of the guys he does business with and his wife.  Our kids were being watched by Thomas's cousin.  I felt kind of crampy. Which was good, right?!  Dinner was fine, until about in the middle I began having painful and intense cramps.  I didn't know these people, this was the first time we had met, so I hid my pain as much as I could.  But it was seriously like being in labor, with intense contractions happening like every 5 minutes.  But, I was trying to be positive, and hoping this was just a big painful period that was going to clean my system out.  I went to the restroom and hadn't leaked through, so that was a relief.  The cramping continued and I endured it through lingered conversation.  Finally, after a couple hours we left.  The ride home was intense and painful too.  I knew Thomas's cousin would want to shoot the breeze when we got home, when all I wanted to do was curl up with a heating pad, a few ibuprofen and die.  We got home and I hurried and took some painkillers and went to the bathroom, while Thomas started to talk to his cousin.  I changed my tampon and it was pretty soaked through.  I came into the living room and we chatted for an hour or so.  Luckily the ibuprofen set in, and I was feeling okay by then.  I had had a Dr Pepper with my dinner, so I was not tired. I stayed up for maybe another hour watching a show.  I finally decided to go to bed.  I went and brushed my teeth and then went to the bathroom before retiring.  To my surprise, I had leaked through my tampon.  That worried me.  I don't remember the last time I had ever leaked through a super tampon, especially within a couple of hours.  I removed the tampon and heard a 'plop' in the toilet. Cold sweat, what was that?!?!  I looked in and saw a piece of tissue (not like a kleenex, but human tissue, a piece of a fleshy something or other) floating in the toilet. It was about half the length of my pinky finger, and about the thickness of it.  I instantly heard my Mom's voice in my head "The doctor will want you to keep that".  So, I fished it out with a plastic fork and put it in a zip lock bag.  It was grayish in color, and dense.  It had blood clots in it.  What was it?!? I was once again wide awake.  I was scared to go back to sleep.  What if I continued to bleed like I had just done and died during the night?!?! That would stink!   I prayed that if that was the case, that Heavenly Father would wake me up.  I wasn't ready to die just yet. :)  The bleeding that had been happening slowed way down, and the cramps stopped completely.  I had figured this little piece had been left over from my miscarriage and missed in the D&C.  My body had been trying to bleed it out since November, and finally basically put me in labor to do it.  The bleeding trickled off that weekend and did finally stop.  I sent a text to my doctor the next morning to let him know what happened.  He wanted me to watch my bleeding and was hopeful that my lining would heal.  I would see him at my annual, which was a month later.  He didn't seem at all interested in seeing the little piece that I had passed.  I wasn't sure what to do with it either.  It seemed wrong to just throw it away or flush it down....even though that is probably the most logical thing to have done.  Don't worry, it isn't in my freezer or anything either. :) But I had trouble deciding what to do with it.  It was the last bit of evidence of my lost baby. And maybe it sounds weird, but I decided to bury it.  With a miscarriage, most times you don't have  funeral, or anything really to say goodbye, or acknowledge what had happened.  No real closure, just emptiness.  So, I took this little piece of tissue and buried it under the peace rose that I had planted years ago in my garden in honor of my Grandma Hiller.  She was always well known for her peace roses, and one Mother's Day, my Dad sent me money to buy a peace rose to plant in honor of Grandma Hiller. 

          It seemed an appropriate way to me, to say goodbye to this little chapter of my life, and hopefully feel some peace soon.... no matter how long that would take.   
         I went to the doctor for my annual. He gave me full approval to start trying to get pregnant.  And we have.  I have tried all sorts of things to help us.  Ovulation kits, basal temperatures, all the good stuff.  We still haven't been successful.  This month I have purchased a digital Ovulation kit, which is supposed to be more accurate.  We shall see.  I feel hopeful, yet oft times defeated.  I guess my faith waivers as to if it is possible for me or not, to ever get pregnant again.  The Doctor said, our bodies want to function as normal as they can.  And will do whatever they can to get back to that normal function.  I hope my body is able.  So many of my friends around me  have brand new babies or are currently pregnant.  I am so happy for them, but it also can be so painful.  Something that I want so badly, that is a righteous thing to desire.....but it may never happen again. It's hard seeing women around me, pregnant, and about how pregnant I should be at the time. I am trying to be hopeful, and I am trying to stay relaxed.  I feel so much pressure and urgency to get pregnant.... and it is 'me' that's causing that pressure, causing me that urgency.  I am not a spring chicken anymore.  I am getting older.  Time is running out. Or so it feels.  Lots of people say, "You are so lucky, you have a boy and a girl, you are set"  And I agree, I do have a wonderful son and daughter.... but I don't feel like my family is complete.  I can't fully explain it.  There is a stirring inside of me, a stirring that is also giving me urgency...that my family needs to grow, that my family is not yet complete.  And perhaps our family will grow, but maybe not through me having a baby.... maybe through adoption.  Now, this is where I really don't know what to do.  I am at a loss as to what the Lord wants me to do.  If I can't have babies on my own, then yes, I would be happy to adopt.  I just don't have a clear answer.  And maybe that is the answer....for me to act.  Yes, we can keep trying.  But maybe we also need to try to bless another child that is born to someone else, but will become a part of our family.  I have gone back and forth on this so much.  Adoption can be very expensive.  We are doing fine financially, but we don't have an extra $30K lying around, ha, I wish we did!!  I have seen people have fundraisers to raise money to afford an adoption.  I don't feel right doing this, because I do have children already. I would rather someone who is going to donate, to donate to have family that doesn't already have kids of their own.  I have thought about foster to adopt programs, that are generally a cheaper way to go.  But again, I have seen friends go through the heartache of having a child placed with them, and they fall in love with the child and then the biological mother, whether fit or not, swoops back in and takes the child away.  I am not sure that I could handle that.  To love and care for a baby, but then for it to be taken.  And that is why I am so confused.  Maybe I have replaced all my faith for my own pitiful reasoning.  I have printed out a Resource Family Application (Foster/Adopt) through the Department of Human Services.  The paper sits before me now.  But I don't know what to do with it.  I fear what could happen, and what might not happen.  I know I need to take time to reflect, to ponder, to seek and to truly ask the Lord.  I need to make decisions, take steps, take risks, let the Lord know how committed I am to growing my family.  I told myself I would give us a year to get pregnant and if we don't, then we would seek out adoption...  but again, I feel so anxious, so much urgency to get to growing my family, in any way that I can.

          I know one thing for certain.... my family is not yet complete.  There are more spirits that are meant to join my family, I know this.  I need to think of this day, June 2, as not a sad day, not a day of what might have been.  But as a resolution to keep fighting for my family to grow.  To not give up.  That my sweet flicker beat baby, lived for a reason.... to give me hope and resolve that my family will grow.  And definitely that I will be reunited with him again one day.

          Today I will think about my baby that I lost. To mourn. To cry some, and that's okay. To celebrate the hope that this baby gave me, the hope that it is possible for me to get pregnant. To increase my faith. To act. And to not give up.  Some of those things will be easier than others, of course.  But I will try to honor the little sweet life, that I had for just a moment, and be the best Mom I can be for my kids I have now, and for the ones that I won't give up on having join our family.