Life in the 'sipp: Birthday Eve for Ellie

One year ago today, at this time, 7:23 pm, I was crying. I was crying for the loss of a precious soul, Austin. He was a young man who went to church with me. He was 17. His life was tragically taken in a car wreck. At the time, I was serving as Relief Society president. I got the call, close to after the tragedy took place, before his parents had heard the horrible news. The news that no parent ever wants to hear, that no parent would wish on their worse enemy. By the time we reached their home, Austin's father was already informed of the news from a State Trooper. I wasn't sure my heart could bear to see this kind of loss and sadness. It made all my many dealings of loss and sorrow, seem pitifully small to this. My sister in law, Adi, and I did the best we could to comfort him. Austin's Mom wasn't home yet, she didn't know yet. I dreaded her coming home. I wanted her to stay away as long as she could, to live in the moment of normal, of regular life. I didn't want to be here for this dagger in her heart, selfishly I wanted to disappear. I tried to empathize, but again, nothing close in my life could compare to this, and selfishly again, I hope never will. Being a mother myself, I can understand a mother's love. Perhaps a father's love is the same, of that I can't honestly say first hand. But as a mother, who carried that little soul, and felt him grow in her tummy. Who woke up every hour on the hour, when he was a baby. To witness all his firsts. To kiss all his 'boo-boo's" better. To teach him small simple things. To teach him love. To cuddle on the couch. To worry the whole time he is sick. To fear for him in this ever scary world, and what he would face. To listen to his hopes and dreams. To listen and cry with him when his heart was broken. To the fights that mothers and sons often have. To the precious moments, that only mothers and sons have. A mother's love is different than anything on earth. Children physically were a part of you as they grew, and still are physically there when they are born. Flesh of flesh, bone of bone. And then, in a moment, one horribly tragic moments... all those times, those mother and son times, are over. I ached for her, and I know not nearly as bad as she was aching. But in a very very small way, I could understand, possibly, how bad it might hurt, how deep it cut. And that it doesn't get better, not the next day, not the next week, not the next month, and not even the next year. It couldn't possibly fully heal. Perhaps, you as mother get stronger. I don't know. I imagine it feeling like trying to live without a heart. Wanting to live, but not. But because she has other kids, she must live, they still need her. May 3rd, was probably one of the most excruciating and painful things I have ever witnessed. My heart and prayers go out to Austin's family, as today must be almost as horrible as the day. There is a storm outside tonight, I feel that is fitting.
But just as the Lord seems to give people trials that seem too much to bear. He also gives us miracles. A year ago, I was reaming from the sting of this horribly sad tragedy, that I just couldn't understand. Why? Why do these things happen? Perhaps he was needed for more important things on the other side. But it surely left a gaping hole on this side. A year ago, it was hard to sleep. It was hard to understand.
The next day, May 4th, little did I know, the Lord would throw me a very interesting curve ball. I had been in contact with a birthmother. I was unsure if it would really happen. But she was pregnant, with a baby girl, who was due in July. It was 2 days earlier that the birthmother reached out and contacted me directly through an email. She had read about us on our blog. She told me her story. An amazing story, and one day, if she allows, maybe it will be shared! That, is up to her. But we communicated. It felt like it could happen. She had even invited us to the next ultrasound, which would take place on May 12. This felt huge, like maybe it would really happen. We had a few other adoption situations come up that were extremely complicated and some full on weird. This one felt different, it felt possible. And whenever I would think about it, I felt peace.
May 4th I woke up, hoping that May 3rd was a terrible nightmare.... it was, but a true and living nightmare. My heart was still broken for them. There was much to be done. Sadly a funeral had to be planned. And as Relief Society president, I was in charge of planning a luncheon for after the funeral. I was busy arranging meals and contacting sisters in the ward. The day, was just like any other day, but with a huge sad dark cloud feeling in the air. Kids were in school, kids came home. I was busy cleaning and helping with homework, when I got a phone call. It was a familiar number. It was the contact to the birthmother. The birthmother ( I think, again, this was all a blur as to what happened) had fallen? And that caused placental abruption. She was rushed to the hospital, because I think her water broke. Again, that day, and the previous day had wiped me out, some of these details were a blur to me. But in my mind, it couldn't be! How early was she? It's too early!!! It's too early!! Can babies survive this early?! Then my mind kept wandering.... is this some sick joke? or was this whole thing a hoax??? Why would someone do that?? The contact told me she was going back for a c-section right then and would call me back when the baby was born!!!?? What?!
I called my sister-in-law, bawling. She was super worried, after what had happened the day before, her mind raced as to what could possibly have me freaking out this bad?!! I explained what was going on. What do I do? Do we go? What in the world?! I called Thomas, I needed Thomas. He needed to tell me what to do. Then I got another call from the contact. "You're a Mom, it's a precious little girl, so tiny" 5:18pm, little Ellie decided to slip into this world 11 weeks early.
Thomas came home, Adrianne came over, I was getting texts and phone calls from every family member I had. What do we do? Thomas said, "We go" "we go and see". What do we tell Porter and Addie, because up to this point, they didn't know anything about her. Just because I didn't want them to feel the disappointment if it went bad. So, we brought them inside, I am sure they were a little worried why their mom had been such a basket case these past 2 days. We told them that we had found our baby, that she was born today, but she was very early. They looked at us, with confusion, and like they didn't believe us. We do joke a lot at home, but they tried to see if we were tricking by studying our faces. And when we didn't crack, they knew it was true. "So, you are going to get her today?!" We explained that she would probably be in the hospital for a while, but yes, we were going to see her. Out of the mouth of babes, Addie said "Mom, our prayers came true, they came true!" Yes, our long awaited prayers had finally been answered! Maybe not in the way we had envisioned, but the Lord answered our prayers.
It was a long drive up to Northern Mississippi. I called my Mom and my Dad, asking them what to do? What do I do? I suddenly felt so unsure, about everything. They cried with me, they both encouraged me in the only way a parent could. If they could be there with me, I know they would be in a heart beat.
When we got to the hospital, I was so worried that it would be a hoax. That we would get up there and say the baby had died, or some weird story.... that was my mind playing tricks on me. Because deep down I had always known it was real. The email exchange with the birthmother, couldn't be fake. Feelings of peace from the Spirit, couldn't be fake. This was real. We got to the correct floor and met by the contact. We met the birthmother, bless her heart was just getting out of a c-section and had to not feel herself. And then they whisked us back to see the baby, to meet our daughter.
We scrubbed up. It felt surreal.
I had no idea what she would look like, what a baby that small would look like. My sister in law warned me, it can be frightening. That their skin can look very translucent, and you can see their veins, and they might look a little strange. She also warned, it would be a long road ahead of us, out of pure love and concern. I heard the beeping of a monitor. I crept closer to a small bassinet, I wasn't expecting her to be in the open, just under a warming light. I imagined an incubator or something.
There I beheld this small tiny human. I describe it as shock and awwww. That first glance was shock, I was overwhelmed and frightened in an instant, and then the next instant was awwwww. Awwww, like oh my goodness this tiny little angel from heaven. This tiny little perfect human. My daughter. As if I had delivered her myself. As if she were flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. My heart melted. She was instantly a part of me, mind, body and soul. In an instant! She held my finger. Her tiny finger grasped around the tip of my finger. Her whole hand could only fit around the tip of my finger. Her thigh was as big around as my finger. Tears welled up in my eyes. Recognition overwhelmed me. And when my eyes met Thomas's, I knew he felt the exact same way. Again, in my uncertain state, I asked him "What do we do?" And he said, as only Thomas could, "Isn't it obvious?!" Yes. It was. This was our little girl, we had been waiting for her, and now we were reunited in a very real sense. We didn't know what lie before us for the next 90 days, for the next year.... none of that mattered. We knew at that moment, she was ours, every bit as much as Porter and Addie were ours. We didn't know she would be in the hospital for 90 days. We didn't know adoption without an agency or attorney could be tricky and hard, but we would figure it out. We didn't know the long hard road ahead. But what we did know? This wasn't a random chance. This was an intricately detailed blessing that our Father in Heaven had been carefully preparing us and the birthmother for. There was a grand design in all of the chaos. "Starting here and starting now, I can feel the heart of how everything changes....."

Announcing Ellie

I am so thankful, in spite of all my imperfections and short comings, that my Heavenly Father saw fit to bless us with Ellie. I am eternally indebted and eternally grateful. " What did I do to deserve you..... Thank God for you."

On this eve of my littlest's miracle's birth, I will revel in all the details, all the love and all the blessings that came along with it.

I will say my evening prayers, grateful for the ultimate blessing of eternal families. The promise of being together forever, through the sealing power of the temple. The beautiful hope and peace that brings to families who have experienced loss, that they will see those loved ones again. I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who understands loss and sacrifice, and who comforts us in times of sorrow, weeps for us.... yet also triumphs with us and cheers for us. As we open our hearts to Him and trust in the redeeming power of His son, our Lord and Redeemer, we always have hope.

Our little Ellie, is proof of his matchless love! Happy Birthday tomorrow Goose! The first of many!

Another post to follow, after all the festivities! But until then, here are a few pictures to catch up with what we have been up to!