Week 12
Intermediate Care Nursery
*July 20, 2016 Weight 3.225 Kg (7 lbs 1 oz)
You are 11 weeks old. This is our 77th day in the hospital. But look up, we aren't in the NICU anymore Toto, we are in the ICN! That is good! That is progress!No spells to report today. I guess your last reported one was on Monday, July 18. So maybe we will be discharged next Monday!?!?!
I have been daydreaming about you being home, watching you grow, loving you. I have worried all this time in the NICU, and relatively limited
with me, will you bond with me? Have you? Do you really know me. I do see you daily, but it is small in the grand scheme of the day. I just hope you recognize me, and know me. It is a worry that creeps up in the back on my mind. I try to squeeze your hand a few times, every time I arrive. I try to hum you the same few songs, so maybe the routine will help you remember me. Once you are home, you will be in our arms all the time. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I worry about that. It has been so hard it being summer time, and your brother and sister are out of school, and you are in the hospital. I feel like I am trying to split myself in half. I am usually exhausted by the end of the day. I want to be the best Mommy I can for everyone, yet I feel like I fail everyday. Someone isn't getting the best of me. I hope to be able to spread myself out better when we are all under one roof! Love you sweet Ellie, until we meet again.... tomorrow!
*July 21, 2016 Weight 3.286 Kg (7 lbs 3.6 oz)
Today, my friend Laura came and met you through the window. We had Addie there too, to see you again. It was pretty special, because you were wearing the same outfit she did, when she was a newborn. Kind of a tender moment. I love being able to show you to people, even if it is only through a window. I feel like you will be home soon. I can hardly wait.... but I'll have to, this is my long long long test of patience.
*July 22, 2016 Weight 3.290 Kg (7 lbs 3.8 oz)
I usually love Fridays. It's the end of the week. I have Saturday and Sunday off from teaching my class just to recharge. Thomas and Porter are on their big fishing trip. It's girl's weekend. Of course we had hoped you would have been here for that. But this Friday, I don't like.
I went to the hospital and fed you. You gained hardly anything, but you are at a very healthy weight. The nurses gave me no news of you having any spells. So, in my mind, your last spell was Tuesday, and that we were on a count down. I won't lie, and I may not hold things back in this particular post, because I am mad, I am hurt, I am discouraged. My last experience with the nurses up here in the Intermediate Care Nursery wasn't great. They were jumpy. And CHATTY. Sometimes I don't think they realize that parents are there. And they just chitter chatter about everything and nothing. They talk to some babies saying "You are bad, you are a bad baby" Even if they are joking, I don't care. They better not be talking to you like that! Well, I visited you for a while and left. Shortly after I got a phone call from the hospital. That dreaded 984-1000 number! And it was the NP, just calling to update me. Hello, I was there not 20 minutes ago. Maybe the chatty nurses, should have told her? I don't know!? Well, she was calling to update me that you had a spell last night!!!? And that would restart your countdown. That your SATS dropped to 69 and your heart rate in the 80s, it was self limiting, but they felt it best the reset that old countdown. My heart just sunk. And what the heck?! Shouldn't this have been something that the nurses should have told me, instead of gabbing away about what brand of scrubs they have?! Ugh. But I am just deflated. Discouraged. Tired. Exhausted. Ellie girl, we have been here in the hospital so very long. I just wonder how much more I have in me. 79 days it has been. I really thought you would be home earlier than expected. I never thought we would still be in the hospital passed your due date.
It is so discouraging. It is like the end of pregnancy, when you feel so fat and tired, and you don't care how bad it hurts, just get this baby out! I want you to get out! Get out of the hospital, come home! I drove home in tears. I felt so angry. I don't understand God's timing right now, and maybe I just have such blinders on not to see why. And maybe there isn't a reason why. Maybe it isn't a test, it just is what it is? And I should stop looking for reasons why, just continue and have faith, have courage. Neil A Maxwell said "“Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage.” I need to muster up some courage from somewhere in me. I just don't know where, maybe there is some left in my big toe or something. My back has started to hurt again, and that discourages me too. I just feel like I am slowly drowning. And when I see a glimpse of hope, and relishes a little in it, it gets taken away. I need to find courage, somewhere. In Joshua 1:9 it reads "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." I have been not just asked, but commanded to be strong and of good courage, because the Lord is with me. I am trying to trust him, I am just struggling to trust his timing. Trying to hold on. Trying to be so many things for so many people, that I am merely surviving at this point. 
I remember Thomas saying something about all the details of your adoption. Some are just too sacred to share in such an open place as this. But Thomas said, maybe we have had all these experiences, because it is going to be very hard. I laughed at that, because sometimes he will see things so differently, and more on the pessimistic side, without even meaning too. But in this case, maybe he was right. I needed all the confirmation on you being ours, to help during this long struggle in the NICU. To remember all the tender mercies that Heavenly Father saw fit for us to see and to know, so that it would bear us up. The scripture comes to mind from Doctrine & Covenants 84:88 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." I know all this wasn't just a random coincidence, but Heavenly Father was in all the details of it, and we recognized that for a reason. And during this time of difficulty and struggle, that I need to trust him and allow him to be in my heart, and his angels round about me, to bear me up. Being angry at God, it never seems to help! Ha. And we don't need to even start to talk about patience and me. I just need to see the big picture, and get through the day to day. Maybe the dishes won't get done, no biggie. Maybe Addie will have a meltdown at Jumpstart, and whines every moment her brother looks at her with a mean face. And I will have to handle it. If I have to find a baby sitter every day for the rest of the summer, so I can come to the hospital, I will, the Lord will provide a way and means for that. Maybe I won't wash my hair every day, or two or three, because I just don't have time to fit it in. Maybe I will give my family cereal for dinner every other night, because I haven't shopped for anything to make a meal with. Maybe I will have to say no, when I usually would say yes. Maybe I will have to take moments for myself, even if it is a locked door and a bath. It is going to be ok, I have to keep telling myself. I know that eternity is much longer than 79 days, and will be worth all the wait, all the tears, all the sacrifices. You are our daughter, and we have waited at least 6 years for you, if not my whole life! You are worth it.And on a brighter note, I did schedule your sealing today. Silver linings, they are there, if I but only look. Love you my angel!
*July 23, 2016 Weight 3.370 Kg (7lbs 6.6 oz)
Today was Saturday. Daddy and Porter are still on their fishing trip. Addie and I worked on cleaning up the house some more, trying to maintain all the nice deep clean we did last weekend in hopes you would have come home this week. But, we shall see! Aunt Adi kept Addie while I came and visited with you. I held you and left during quiet time, came back after, and fed you a bottle. I felt like the wind has been knocked out of me. Just kind of down. I want you home. That isn't anything new. I just need to continue on and endure it well, or at least try to endure it well! You are lucky you are so darn cute, or else I would be mad and fuss at you about these spells! ;)
*July 24, 2016 Weight 3.400 Kg ( 7 lbs 7.68 oz)
On my way to church this morning, I got a call. I was in the car, and so it rang over the blue tooth, I figured it was Daddy, on his way home from the fishing trip. When I answered and they stumbled on my name and your birth name, I knew it was the hospital. Lucky I didn't have time to let my heart sink by looking at the caller ID. It was the doctor, giving me an update. Which isn't unusual. But, what hurt my heart was that you had a spell this morning! Darn it :(. Girl, these need to quit or you will never come home. You had to be stimulated today, they said you had turned colors a bit. She suctioned in your mouth, thinking perhaps it was reflux, but didn't get much out. You came back up to normal. Your heart rate had gone down to about 60 and your oxygen Saturation was down to 59. That is not ok Miss Ellie! The doctor was on the phone, so I asked her about you possibly coming home on a monitor, since most of your spells are self limiting. She said she would discuss it. So at least that wasn't a straight out "no". Of course we want these spells to be a thing of the past! No more, please, I beg you Ellie!
I came in today a little later than normal. The nurses said you had been up all day, just wide awake. They fed you a little early, so I missed it, dang it! The nurse was holding you. Your little cry is so pitiful, they couldn't help but love on you. I hardly ever hear you cry, you are mostly content. I held you and you looked around. You occasionally are able to focus. I laid you in your crib to take your temperature and change your diaper. I was talking to you and you turned your head and looked at me, like maybe you do recognize my voice! I held you for a while and you let out some stinky poops! Maybe your tummy was bothering you. Your poop was dark, they are giving you iron and a multi-vitamin, and that must be effecting your poop color. After you big poop, you were able to relax and I was able to hold you for the next couple of hours. You are just so sweet and special. I want to be able to share your sweet self with the rest of the family! So, let's stop these spells and get the heck out of this place!! Sound like a plan??! Let's do it!*July 25, 2016 Weight 3.477 Kg ( 7 lbs 10.39)
You are swiftly approaching your big sister, Addie's birthweight. She was 7 lbs 12.8 oz, but we always rounded up to 13 oz.
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| This is another outfit of your big sister! |
You had your third and final eye exam today. It all looks good, pun intended! But the doctor said you are Stage 0 Zone 3.... not totally sure what that means, but google will ;) That means you won't need any follow up eye exam, unless we feel it is necessary. So, THAT is good news, and let's celebrate that! I need to let go of the countdown and feeling sad and gloom about it. Instead, I need to focus on your victories! And saying goodbye to ROP is a big victory! Your eyes were a little dilated. And often times the eye exam can cause more spells, but you haven't had any since. So, another victory, we will take it!
Little Ellie, there is a whole world outside of the hospital, just waiting to meet you! You oughta come see it! On the way out today, I bought a parking pass. While I was waiting in line, the lady in front of me dropped all her coins, so I helped her pick them up. She seemed a little frazzled. I heard her mention to the parking attendant that her baby was in the NICU. She told me, it was just one of those days. I told her, "I hear you, we have been in the NICU for almost 12 weeks" We had a mutual look. She told me her baby had been there 5 months! Perspective. It could be worst. I am trying to only count victories, here on out! Love you peanut!
*July 26, 2016 Weight 3.547 Kg ( 7lbs 12.8 oz)
Well, one day away from being 12 weeks old, and you are officially your big sister's birthweight! So, come home, you're done! But you aren't. You almost gained a full pound in one week!
Today was a lip biting day. Not necessarily biting my lip in anticipation, but to bite it to stop from crying. You had another spell this morning, while you were feeding. I know, I know, I promised to just celebrate the victories and not get discouraged, hence the lip biting! I was fighting back the tears, like a real champ. But not really a champ at all. Your noisy little neighbor, his family came to visit today, with the car seat. I saw his little dry erase card on the wall, and it said "going home tomorrow". I am happy for them, but it hurt me a little. Why aren't you going home yet? Why do you keep having these spells? Is there anything to do but be patient??! Remember how I am not very patient?! Well, this is pushing all my limits. I'll do my best to continue biting my lip, maybe until it bleeds, to try to stay positive through all this waiting. I'm trying! All my worries like to rise up and get me down. Like what if you aren't bonding to me, I see you daily, but maybe the time I spend isn't enough?! Then I have your brother and sister, especially your sister is demanding of me and my time. She is struggling. This has gotten so hard. And I am trying to carry on, I'm trying to be of good courage, I'm trying to be brave.
The nurse said you will eventually grow out of it, and one day, just not have any more spells. Maybe tomorrow? Please.
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| The flower might be a tad big?! |
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