It is hard to believe that Ellie has been home for a month! Sometimes it feels longer, but mostly, it has gone by super fast. She is constantly changing and growing.
What has changed to most is her focus, she LOOKS at people now. She studies faces. She seems to be a pretty serious little one. Ellie takes it all in, and just looks and looks. She is very careful with her smiles. You have to earn them. At one point I was trying so hard to get her to smile at me, and was talking in a squeaky voice, singing a silly song and she did a slow blink... like an eye roll. As if she were a little annoyed by all the goo goo. Miss Ellie will make you work, but don't try too hard, you might annoy her! ;) hahah! She has a hold of our hearts!
So this happened! Now that I have to focus so much on Ellie, I am not as on top of things with Porter and Addie. Or maybe they are screaming for attention. Luckily it wasn't permanent markers!! It has been a balancing act, trying to make sure everyone is getting the love and attention they need. I am trying to find the balance, but I feel guilty that Porter and Addie and Thomas don't have the attention they need. I know it is something we all have to learn together, but it is hard not to feel guilty. And sometimes, due to the lack of sleep, I just want to be still and not go out and run around. I want to rest! Ha! I feel we are getting closer to a balance. I just need to find the time to let everyone in my family have a part of me, and I need to make sure I have time for me too!
4 months!
So, Miss Ellie turned 4 months old. I can hardly believe that it has been that long! She is growing to be such a sweet heart!
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| Only an hour and half at the health department! I hate shots. So does Ellie :( |
At her 4 month appointment she had officially gained, since birth, 10 lbs. She is 12 lbs 7 oz! What a difference 10 lbs makes!! Part of turning 4 months old includes shots :( Oh how I hate shots! And to make it more fun, we got to wait at the health department for an hour and a half, full of anticipation. It was so sad. She was not expecting the brutality of 3 shots. She didn't cry too long, but she definitely was mad at me. All day she wouldn't look at me. My heart was broken. She smiled at Porter, she smiled at Addie, but when I would talk to her, she would just look away. I think eventually she forgave me when I gave her her bottle. But I won't lie, my feelings were hurt that she thought I was the one giving
her the shots! I would never! I gave her lots of extra cuddles and kisses, but it still took her a while to look at me!
But in all honesty, that is one of my fears. What if she doesn't like me?! What if she doesn't bond with me?! I know she has, but still I worry. Maybe she just cares for me at the moment because I am the one feeding her and taking care of her. Thomas thinks it is silly. But I worry about that. What if I am not enough for her? But the truth be told. I worry about that with my other 2 kids. Maybe it is hormones, or maybe just insecurity, or maybe I have just been very humbled by everything. But I feel like I forever fall short, and that there isn't at times enough of me to give to my family. I want to be everything they need and more. I want each one to feel special and cherished and loved. I want them to know each one has a part of my heart.
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| This picture popped up on my facebook, it was taken 4 years ago at the Training Academy. Addie and Double. They grow so fast. |
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| I love Ellie's Owlet Monitor. It helps me sleep better knowing that she is still breathing and her sweet little heart is still breathing! |
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| Addie lost her first tooth at school! |
I have been thinking a lot about Ellie's birthmother. I really can't even begin to say just how much of an amazing woman she is. And how much I love her... She didn't give up her baby, she entrusted Ellie to me. I know all adoptions are unique and special, but I feel ours exceeded that. There is much I have to keep private, out of respect. And a lot of our adoption story is untold here on this blog. But I can say this, the birthmother exceeded my expectations. I admire her and look up to her. I am grateful for the woman that she is. I pray for her, always. I hope her heart is healing, because I know this wasn't an easy decision for her, and I know she didn't take it lightly. I know that she was prepared to be the "gift bag", as she called herself, to bring Ellie to our home. A gift from Heavenly Father. And I know that He wouldn't leave her alone in that. I hope she can feel His love and His embrace. I hope she can feel Him carry her, when it hurts. I have ached and cried for her, in awe of her great love and sacrifice. And I pray for her happiness. I can't even begin to truly thank her. There aren't words for that, really there aren't. But I can show her. I can promise her that I will love and care for Ellie the best I can. I will cherish this precious gift both her and our Father in Heaven brought to our home. With so many coincidences and intricate details that would astonish anyone. Would truly help the unbeliever, believe. There is a God, a Father in Heaven, who loves His children, and hears our prayers, no matter how quiet or loud they may be, not matter how unimportant they seem. He hears. And better yet, He answers. The birthmother was an answer to so many of our prayers. She is a woman of grace and elegance. She is a royal daughter of God, and faithful. She is my sister. And I love her so much, and will think of her every single day, every moment she will be there. As I change a diaper, cuddle my baby, kiss her cheeks, and gaze into her eyes. Forever, we will be bound together in love. I found a little poem, I'd like to share....
A Special Bond of Love
A poem of thanks to a birth mother.
Once strangers, not knowing of each other,
God brought us together
To share a special bond of love
With a sweet little girl named Eliana.
You may never understand the pain
Or know the tears I cried.
My heart's desire was for a child
To nurture, love, and guide.
I may never understand the pain
Or know the tears you cried.
You said good-bye to this precious child,
Entrusting me to nurture, love, and guide.
I see your face in her pretty smile,
And love in her sparkling eyes.
She's the answer to countless prayers,
A blessing to many lives.
No longer strangers,
We share a special bond of love
With a very precious gift
From our God above.
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