Back to Life. Back to Reality

I have to apologize to my faithful readers, all 3 of you! Life has happened! We have been trying to get into routine, and I guess that doesn't include a lot of extra time for blogging. But I want to keep it up! I have been a terrible journal writer my whole life, and this at least has helped me keep a record of our life happenings.  Even if it is just through more pictures than words today.  Ellie has been sleeping pretty awesomely! If awesomely is a word! She usually goes down at 10 or 11 and has been getting up when I wake up to get the kiddos up, around 5:45.  That is a great stretch of sleep.  Of course this doesn't happen every night, but it has been pretty regular!

Ellie also had an appointment with the Ped GI doctor.  She continues to have her choking spit up episodes, not near as frequent as before.  The GI doctor was impressed by her weight gain. She is currently 15 lbs 5 oz,  she is in the 56th percentile for her weight. Not bad!  Her height on the other hand is only 22 inches. She is in the less than 5 percentile there.  I believe that was how long porter was when he was born?!  I am sure she will catch up!  She might just be our little butterball for a little while longer!  She will be super active, I can tell.  She loves to be in the action of everything.  She is great at tracking things with her eyes.  Although she hates tummy time, she is good at lifting her head.  She loves to lay on her back and kick her legs and swat at things with her hands.  She focuses well.  She still is a little picky about when she smiles, but when she does smile at you, she will melt you.  Ellie does really well with the busy schedule of her siblings.  We are running back and forth from schools and swim team and piano lessons and scouts.  She gets a little annoyed being in her car seat, so I do my best to keep her out of it as much as I can.  She is cooing now, it is precious. She makes the sweetest of noises.

Getting ready for Fall!

Isn't she precious!

Addie prepared the lesson for Family Home Evening.
She is so cute!

Ellie is so sweet when she sleeps! like a little angel

I remember the Primary song.... "when I grow up, I want to be a Mother, and have a family, one little, two little, three little babies of my own!" And here they are!  They all wanted to be swaddled up like Ellie.  My three burritos!

I hope my next entry will be longer and more in depth.  I am just trying to get back to normal, and figure out our routine! And I will do my best to make time for the blog!

Shots and Such

It is hard to believe that Ellie has been home for a month!  Sometimes it feels longer, but mostly, it has gone by super fast.  She is constantly changing and growing.

 What has changed to most is her focus, she LOOKS at people now. She studies faces.  She seems to be a pretty serious little one.  Ellie takes it all in, and just looks and looks.  She is very careful with her smiles. You have to earn them.  At one point I was trying so hard to get her to smile at me, and was talking in a squeaky voice, singing a silly song and she did a  slow blink... like an eye roll.  As if she were a little annoyed by all the goo goo.  Miss Ellie will make you work, but don't try too hard, you might annoy her! ;) hahah!  She has a hold of our hearts!

  So this happened!  Now that I have to focus so much on Ellie, I am not as on top of things with Porter and Addie.  Or maybe they are screaming for attention.  Luckily it wasn't permanent markers!!  It has been a balancing act, trying to make sure everyone is getting the love and attention they need.  I am trying to find the balance, but I feel guilty that Porter and Addie and Thomas don't have the attention they need.  I know it is something we all have to learn together, but it is hard not to feel guilty.  And sometimes, due to the lack of sleep, I just want to be still and not go out and run around.  I want to rest!  Ha!  I feel we are getting closer to a balance.  I just need to find the time to let everyone in my family have a part of me, and I need to make sure I have time for me too!

  

4 months!

So, Miss Ellie turned 4 months old.  I can hardly believe that it has been that long! She is growing to be such a sweet heart!

Only an hour and half at the health department!
I hate shots.  So does Ellie :(

 At her 4 month appointment she had officially gained, since birth, 10 lbs.  She is 12 lbs 7 oz!  What a difference 10 lbs makes!!  Part of turning 4 months old includes shots :(  Oh how I hate shots!  And to make it more fun, we got to wait at the health department for an hour and a half, full of anticipation.  It was so sad. She was not expecting the brutality of 3 shots.  She didn't cry too long, but she definitely was mad at me.  All day she wouldn't look at me.  My heart was broken. She smiled at Porter, she smiled at Addie, but when I would talk to her, she would just look away.   I think eventually she forgave me when I gave her her bottle.  But I won't lie, my feelings were hurt that she thought I was the one giving 

her the shots!  I would never!  I gave her lots of extra cuddles and kisses, but it still took her a while to look at me!

But in all honesty, that is one of my fears. What if she doesn't like me?!  What if she doesn't bond with me?!  I know she has, but still I worry.  Maybe she just cares for me at the moment because I am the one feeding her and taking care of her.  Thomas thinks it is silly. But I worry about that.  What if I am not enough for her?  But the truth be told. I worry about that with my other 2 kids.  Maybe it is hormones, or maybe just insecurity, or maybe I have just been very humbled by everything.  But I feel like I forever fall short, and that there isn't at times enough of me to give to my family.  I want to be everything they need and more.  I want each one to feel special and cherished and loved.  I want them to know each one has a part of my heart.

This picture popped up on my facebook, it
was taken 4 years ago at the Training
Academy.  Addie and Double. They grow
so fast.

I love Ellie's Owlet Monitor.  It
helps me sleep better knowing that
she is still breathing and her sweet
little heart is still breathing!

Addie lost her first tooth at school!

I have been thinking a lot about Ellie's birthmother.  I really can't even begin to say just how much of an amazing woman she is.  And how much I love her...  She didn't give up her baby, she entrusted Ellie to me.  I know all adoptions are unique and special, but I feel ours exceeded that.  There is much I have to keep private, out of respect. And a lot of our adoption story is untold here on this blog.  But I can say this, the birthmother exceeded my expectations.  I admire her and look up to her.  I am grateful for the woman that she is.  I pray for her, always.  I hope her heart is healing, because I know this wasn't an easy decision for her, and I know she didn't take it lightly.  I know that she was prepared to be the "gift bag", as she called herself, to bring Ellie to our home.  A gift from Heavenly Father.  And I know that He wouldn't leave her alone in that.  I hope she can feel His love and His embrace.  I hope she can feel Him carry her, when it hurts.  I have ached and cried for her, in awe of her great love and sacrifice.  And I pray for her happiness.  I can't even begin to truly thank her. There aren't words for that, really there aren't.  But I can show her. I can promise her that I will love and care for Ellie the best I can.  I will cherish this precious gift both her and our Father in Heaven brought to our home.  With so many coincidences and intricate details that would astonish anyone. Would truly help the unbeliever, believe.  There is a God, a Father in Heaven, who loves His children, and hears our prayers, no matter how quiet or loud they may be, not matter how unimportant they seem. He hears.  And better yet, He answers.  The birthmother was an answer to so many of our prayers.  She is a woman of grace and elegance.  She is a royal daughter of God, and faithful.  She is my sister.  And I love her so much, and will think of her every single day, every moment she will be there.  As I change a diaper, cuddle my baby, kiss her cheeks, and gaze into her eyes.  Forever, we will be bound together in love.  I found a little poem, I'd like to share....

 A Special Bond of Love

                                                                    A poem of thanks to a birth mother.

Once strangers, not knowing of each other,

God brought us together

To share a special bond of love

With a sweet little girl named Eliana.

You may never understand the pain

Or know the tears I cried.

My heart's desire was for a child

To nurture, love, and guide.

I may never understand the pain

Or know the tears you cried.

You said good-bye to this precious child,

Entrusting me to nurture, love, and guide.

I see your face in her pretty smile,

And love in her sparkling eyes.

She's the answer to countless prayers,

A blessing to many lives.

No longer strangers,

We share a special bond of love

With a very precious gift

From our God above.

Sick Hits the Fan

A little bit of sick....

A dark shadow has been cast on the Cronin home...... SICKNESS.  As much I have tried to protect Miss Ellie from germs by avoiding the gym, avoiding church, avoiding the outside world.  It still found it's way inside!  Wretched school is just a breeding ground for germs, that hop aboard my sweet wee ones, and climbs up in my house!  Addie was the one who started it.  Started with a cough.  I was hoping it was just an allergy cough, she gets it twice a year when the weather changes and coughs every night for a month... it's lovely :(  But, it is something in the air and we just can't fight it, but do our best to get it under control.  Well, the weather hasn't changed yet, it is still grossly humid and hot here.  But, I did my best to quarantine her.  Had her sleep back in Porter's room on the top bunk.  It felt like a weird call, which kid should suffer with Addie's cough at night.   But, Porter, and his immune system of living half way in dirt and eating worms, I felt, could handle a cough, more than little Ellie, just new to the world and germs.  And I was hoping it was just allergies, but treating it like a sickness and keeping her away from kisses and cuddles with Ellie.  But then I got sick. First it was a UTI, so I got on some antibiotics.  Then my throat felt sore, then my head felt like it was going to split open!  Ugh, oh no!  Maybe my body got the worst of it, so it could deliver some antibodies to Ellie through breastmilk?!  Luckily none of us had fever.  But Ellie had some green mucous one day when we had to suction her for her reflux episodes (we will go over those further on in the post), so that got me very worried.

   I have realized I have lost a lot of confidence in my mothering skills with Ellie.  Maybe the fact that the last time I had a baby was Addie, and that was 6 years ago.  I just worry so much, and don't want to miss anything.  All those 'what if' questions go through my head, like I am not doing enough and because of that something bad will happen.  It is hard to relax too.  Ellie's circumstances are a lot different then Porter and Addie's were.  To be quite honest, maybe I was just too relaxed with them! Didn't I realize all the bad things that could possibly happen?!?  haha! No, I remember being pretty darn un-relaxed with them too!  There is a lot of pressure to keep your kids alive, and most of it falls on the MOM!  I just couldn't live with myself if something happened to my kids in my care.  So, I called the Doctor... I probably seem more like a first time Mom than a Mom of three.  But in a way, I am a first time Mom... to a preemie.  It seemed like maybe Ellie was possibly developing a cough, or else she was clearing up her throat with a cough.  But, if there was stuff in her throat, isn't that something to be worried about.  You see?!  Case in point..... I am a worried, paranoid Mom!  I think the lack of sleep attributes to that, and the fact that I am sick! But I felt it was best to err on the side of caution.  Ellie's regular doctor wasn't in, so we saw a different one.  On exam she looked fine. Nothing to be concerned about.  I told about the reflux episodes, but they weren't concerned.  I wondered if she was gaining too fast, it is like a pound a week, that was to be expected, preemies are always trying to catch up.  It isn't disappointing to go to the doctor and find nothing wrong, but you begin to doubt your common sense!  But when we had gone to the doctor, Addie had just barely begun her coughing, and I wasn't sick yet.  Ellie's next appointment was for her 4 month check up, like 3 weeks away....  so, I decided to bump that up and reschedule it for this week.  Ellie is still on medicaid, but her pediatrician doesn't take medicaid from the SSI benefit of being premature.  So, it is cash pay.  Why don't I go to another doctor that takes medicaid??!  Just trust me.  I would rather pay the cash and have her see the doctor I trust with my kids.  We plan to get her shots covered at the health department, and if worse comes to worst, the hospital takes medicaid. It won't last forever, and I want to establish her with the doctor I want!

We had her 4 month check up and she weighs 12 lbs 7 oz.

She is the cutest little chunk you have ever seen! That double chin is to die for!  She is growing well and has amazingly avoided the sickness that has been sneaking through the house. I will take her next week for her immunizations.  Then, I feel, we should be able to start joining the world. Maybe go to church. Start trying to get back to our normal life with our special new addition.  I have kept her pretty hidden from the world, to protect her.  With her 4 mo immunizations under her belt, I think I can relax a little.  We are going to try to get her the RSV shot, that she will get monthly, to help prevent the dreaded RSV, it is called synagis.  Hopefully with that, we should be able to combat RSV and make it to spring clear of it!

Reflux and my Son, the hero

   So, as we have been home and apnea and brady cardia spells have somewhat become a thing of the past, a new ugly demon has reared it's head.... reflux.  One morning when my mom was still here, I had heard Ellie waking up from a nap.  When I went in to see her, she was lying in bed with a panic stricken look on her face.  She was squirming, her eyes wide open, and spit up from her nose and mouth.  She was struggling to breathe, gasping and swallowing.  I hurried and picked her up.  Instinct had me find the blue suction bulb.  I suctioned out her nose, and thickish milky mucous came out. I suctioned her mouth.  It took a while for her to calm down and breathe normally.  It was stressful.  It was the first time I had seen it. But it worried me, she was in so much distress!  What if this happened during the night?!  Her monitor wouldn't alarm unless her heart rate was below 60 bpm or higher than 200 bpm.  But she would just be stressing out all on her own.  That made me sad to think about.  I hoped it would be the only time.  But it wasn't.  We were entering into...the Reflux zone.  When it happened again, I called the doctor.  Since she was able to recover, somewhat on her own, and sounded normal after the episode, she didn't need to come in.  I never had a child with reflux before, so this was new.... scary territory.  They prescribed Zantac.  So... maybe after all, she did have reflux, or a silent reflux in the hospital.  But I was in it now, and we were going to face it.

  I had laid Ellie down for a nap and was trying to get the piling dishes done and get some loads of laundry started.  Addie went to look at Ellie sleeping, and said "Mom, she spit up"  I wasn't too worried and tried to finish what I was doing.  Porter then yelled "She's choking!!"  I ran down the hall, and grabbed her out of her brothers arms as he was sitting her up trying to help her, and grabbed the bulb and suctioned her out.  All of us were a little shaken.  She caught her breath finally.  And I just worried, how can I watch her every second? A girl has got to shower and go to the bathroom.  I would need to carry her in a sling forever.  The Dr's office said it would take a week for the zantac to kick in.  I was impressed by my kids quick thinking, and I won't ever take any warning of spit up not serious, again.  

   Once school was back in and my Mom was gone, I had to pack up all three kids and tote them to school.  Addie's school has one of the slowest and craziest car rider lines.  It is a little chaotic, and people get in line in front of you and it is a dog eat dog line!  So there isn't stopping, or looking down for a minute, because if the line is moving, the people behind you want you to move and they will let you know with a honk, who knows how friendly that honk really is!?  There are also very demanding crossing guards, with a little attitude.  Needless to say, it is a high pressure situation there.  Well, wouldn't it be a perfect time for reflux. Where you can't pull over. If you stop people will hound you.  Where you feel helpless as to what to be done.  Well, it struck. Reflux.  I had not put a bulb in the car at that point.  I was completely unprepared.  I assumed since she was in an inclined position, that that reflux precaution would help eliminate it during a car ride. Nope!  Even those most the times the reflux episodes happen were when she was flat on her back.  We were pulling slowly up the driveway to the school, and those fateful words were spoken again from Addie, "Mom, Ellie is spitting up!" I felt helpless, I looked in the rear view, there she was with her panicked eyes, trying to catch her breath. Crap! What to do? Then it happened. Porter jumped back there.  "Get her out, bud" He did. No panic in his eyes, just calm.  Just doing exactly was necessary in this high stress situation.  He unbuckled her and patted her back as she struggled for breath.  I had forgotten to put a bulb in the car (now we have 2 in there).  I pulled over once we got to the top of the hill where the parking lot is.  I jumped back and took over.  It took a little while, but she caught her breath and the worst of it was over.  I handed her back to Porter, and he lovingly patted her back while I walked Addie into school.

My heart I felt so much pride for Porter and his fast acting actions.  I felt like I wasn't alone in this struggle.  I had some help!  We buckled her back in when we felt she was over it.  And I told him how thankful I was for helping me, and staying calm.  He had a little satisfied smile on his face.  He has such a special love for Ellie.  I wish that love would open up more and include a little more of Addie in it too.  But, he definitely has the big brother instinct to take care of and protect his little little sister.  Later that day, I showed him how to use the suction bulb, just in case it happened again.

   The Zantac has seemed to help with the Reflux a lot, and at her 4 month check up, the doctor increased the dose because of her age.  Well, one day this week, after school pick up, I came home and noticed the house felt hot. Oh no. Please no.  I checked the thermostat, it was at 75.  Now maybe for a lot of people, that is a great temperature. But for my family, we like it cold, like wintery cold in our house.  I knew the A/C was out.  I knew that I couldn't sleep hot, but even more so, Thomas wouldn't!  We would have to sleep at his parents house.  I worried how I would manage changing scenes with a new baby, and trying to keep her quiet so his parents wouldn't be disturbed. Luckily they have a huge house, so I was able to go in the big room and keep her there.  I didn't sleep too well, simply because I was on high alert to keep her as less noisy as possible. But during the night I realized I had forgotten to give her her Zantac, it was at home in our fiery inferno of a house, all the way up to 80 degrees ;)  I hoped it would be fine.  We made it through the night with no incidents.  We woke up early, drove home to get all the things we needed to get to school.  And off to school we went.  Again, as we were pulling up to Addie's school, Ellie started having a reflux episode.  Porter hopped right back there and began to suction.  Without hesitation.  That was the moment they got Addie out of the car and I was able to pull over quickly.  He had pure calm on his face. I was just so amazed.  I took over, and the episode wasn't bad, because he had taken action so quickly.  Porter is 11.  And very immature for his age for the most part.  These past few weeks he has grown and done things where I see him in a new light.  I think kids go through times where you worry they won't ever 'get it' or mature... well, we are coming out of that.  He is finally understanding working hard at school pays off.  He even has been laughing at my jokes.  We give each other little side way glances when Addie is spouting off all her new found, very untrue, knowledge.  It is fun.  He is growing up. And I have been so impressed by him lately! And the sweet and tender love he has for Ellie is beautiful.  When I have left her with Thomas, while I run errands or go to a meeting or a baby shower, I usually come back to Porter holding her.  He stays calm and she can feel that.  Thomas had mentioned that Porter had even told him what to do when Ellie was choking.  My little man is awesome!  Maybe he will be a Pediatrician when he grows up.... right now it is Automotive Engineer, but that could change!

Funny Addie

 Addie says the cutest things.....

Addie advice for today: "Find a nicer way to say things."

Yesterday, as we were dropping Porter off to scouts, the nursing home next to the Church was announcing things over the intercom, where we could hear it.
Addie: Mommy, what is that place called again?
Me: A nursing home.
Addie: oh yeah, a nursing home is a place where people get ready for heaven, right?
Me: (muffled chuckle) Well, yeah, I guess you could say that.
Addie: Well that is a nicer way to say it.
Me: To say what?
Addie: you know?! I shouldn't say it, but.... (Almost inaudible) dead. Saying 'going to heaven' is much nicer!
Me: (holding it in) Yes, Addie, you are totally right!

Love that girl!

She is!

Some Recent Happenings thru pics....

she is growing so fast!

Waiting in long car rider lines, that don't move
for daaaays.

Girls got some cleavage!

Porter started Makos. Watch out
Michael Phelps!

Ellie watched him swim for a little bit

quite!

Our Relief Society Bake off was a success! Lots of yummy food from amazing cooks!

Repping her cool new pants from Canaan!

Getting excited to meet baby Enzo!

Estefany's baby shower!

Addie has been desperate to pick her up,
I finally relented. She was doing it without me knowing
until I caught her!  She's such a Mama! I figured she
could WITH supervision!

Ellie is not so sure of this.

 Maybe the beginning of legit Smiles....

So her corrected age is about 6 weeks, so that means we should be having more smiles.  She did one for me one morning, before I grabbed my phone to capture it. I videoed a little of it.  Ellie is quite totally committed to the smile thing, but we are getting there!!!

Getting Adjusted!

I apologize for my delay in blogging!  Not that I expect that a whole too many people really read this, but it has been such a great journal for me, and I don't want to get out of the habit of it.  My Mom has been in town, and so I took the moments to enjoy the time that I had with her here, instead of blog.  But, I have decided to just write out in sections the things that have been happening, to get caught up!

Returned Missionary Visits....

Harvey!

Evans!

McElderry!

Canaan!!

We have had in the past month, several awesome visits from missionaries that served there mission here in the south.  It is so great to see such special people who we formed incredible bonds with while they were here and on.  Thomas was ward mission leader for a while, and I have been Relief Society president for a spell, so that allowed us to form these relationships with these missionaries, and for that I am grateful! Each life that touches ours for good, right!?! Some missionaries have just become a part of our family. And I am so grateful that they have kept true to their word to keep in touch!

School Started!

In the midst of all the excitement of Ellie coming home, school decided to throw us a wrench and start!  I won't lie, I am a little concerned how to juggle it all.  Night time feedings, waking up  these two to get ready and get out the door on time.  It will be tricky, but we got this!  Luckily my Mom arrived a few days before school started to help with this, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Addie started Kindergarten!  She is 6 years old, yes, we decided to get some preschool under her belt first, I think it was a good plan, it's better to be the oldest than the youngest in your class, right?!  It is better to get your driver's license before your friends, not the next year?! Right?! I mean, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, that is a good 10 years away!  We went to meet the teacher, and she got Miss Granger.  However, Ms. Granger had a baby this summer, so won't be there for the next few weeks.  So for now, Addie's teacher is Ms. Pickle! Gotta love that name!  It was a lot for her to take in, her new class and everything.
This summer we had a little jumpstart school, just to help her feel what school is like.  It turned out badly. She cried almost every day I took her.  She puts the tears on for me, and it is terrible. Once I leave, she is fine!  The master manipulator! I worried that if I walked her in to school on the first day it would start the same drama. And with Ellie being home, and in tow, it just couldn't be. So, I felt guilty, but never mentioned that it was an option for me to walk in with her.  We drove up and we were staying super positive. The lady opened the door and Addie climbed out like a champ.  Once out, she realized she didn't give me a hug and a kiss.  The lady looked annoyed, but we opened the door and got one last love before she walked through those big doors.  She got to the doors and paused a little.  They were waving me to drive on. Maybe I made a mistake, my poor little girl on her own to find her class.  She entered in, and they still waved me on. Traffic was crazy slow.  My heart sunk, I should have taken her in, I'm a bad mom.  I looked again, and saw that someone, a teacher, had her by the hand taking her down the hall. Relief! She was going to be fine!  I can't believe she is in Kindergarten.   Pick up was insane!  It took an hour and 15 minutes in car rider line before I was able to get her.  Again, so glad my Mom was in town, that would have not been good with a little baby in the backseat!

Addie saved her meltdown for me the next week, day 4 of Kindergarten.  She had eaten Nutella on toast and drank apple juice for breakfast. The combination gave her a sour burp, while we were driving to drop her off.  Suddenly her tummy hurt (this happens often when she doesn't want to do something). And then the truth came out, I don't like school, I don't want to go. All my reassurance was not reaching her.  Her meltdown had arrived, we pulled up and the lady wouldn't assist her out, it would have been better if she had, this was just for me.  I pulled over, tried to have a conversation about school, and how it is not an optional thing.  Against my better judgement, I walked her in, but with a promise that this would be the only time this would happen (or else it would be a daily cry session.) I thought up a new incentive to get her to go, let's hope it works!  I really think she loves it! At least she does when I pick her up.  I wonder if someone else dropped her off if this would be a problem.  My friend, Bethany, used to drop her off to preschool and NEVER had a problem. She saves her fits for me....how sweet.


Porter is a 6th grader!?  I can't believe it. I remember very clearly 6th grade! So it is surreal to be a mother of one!  6th grade is Junior High prep, so they have several classes and a schedule and instantly I worry! He still seems like my little buddy, obsessed with frogs and playing outside.  We went to meet his teacher, and she seems nice, Ms. Cade.  I didn't meet his other teachers, but let's hope they are kind too!  He is getting so tall, and changing, maturing, it is fun to see.
Getting him off the first day was easy, pick up for him took forever too! I was in line for a total of 2 hours 15 minutes for pick up that day! Ugh! Luckily, my friend has a son Addie's age and a daughter Porter's age, so she will pick up at one, and I will pick up at the other. That is so much better.  I don't know what I would do if I had to do both. I know Ellie wouldn't like it! Again, so glad my Mom was in town!
It is so cute though! Porter has never cared about matching or his clothes.  He basically would grab the tshirt on the top of the drawer and the shorts that were at the top, patterns, colors, styles didn't matter, it was all convenience.  Well, each night, he asks me about the outfit he pulls out for the next day. I try to be real nonchalant about it, but it warms my heart that he actually cares this year! He isn't pleased that they make him tuck in his shirt, but he still follows the rules.  He is growing up so fast! He will turn 12 next year! He will get the priesthood and be a Deacon!?  It is hard to believe!

Ellie stayed nice and comfy as I took the kids to their first day of school

Grandma Sally

I really have to take a moment to honor my Mom.  I am so grateful that she came.  The timing of her visit was perfect!  We weren't sure when Ellie would be home, I had always thought she would have been home before her due date, but she had her own plan.  My Mom had looked at dates to fly in, around the fourth of July, around her due date, and yet Ellie wasn't close to discharge.  We decided maybe we would have her come after we had settled a little with Ellie and when school would be started. It proved to be perfect in timing.  It was definitely the time that I needed her the most.

She helped me get Ellie on a reliable schedule.  I had never believed in schedules with Porter or Addie, they were on demand feeders.  But since they were both exclusively breastfed, I feel like schedules were not as necessary.  The milk was always ready and there.  The hospital had her on a 4 hour schedule, we just needed to get her to stay on it.

Ellie is a very loud, grunty baby.  She doesn't cry a ton, but she makes lots of noises as she goes to sleep and as she wakes up.  Porter and Addie are so impressed by how much noise she can make without opening her mouth.  I had a little rocking bassinet in my bedroom, but learned quickly that she couldn't sleep next to me or I would never sleep.  I am so keyed to wake up at any noise to take care of her, that her consistent grunts and noises kept me up too much.  She needed to be in her crib, but she shares that with Addie.  The first morning I put her in there, Addie woke up unusually early, from Ellie and her noises.  My friend assured me that Addie would learn to sleep through the noises, because unlike me, she has no responsibility to take care of Ellie.  I decided to trust her on that! Plus Thomas needs his sleep too.  I need my sleep! But I need a happy and healthy and alive baby! All the apnea and brady cardia spells had me nervous.  We had purchased an Owlet Monitor, which has been a great thing to have. I put it on her at night and it will alarm if she has a drop in her heart rate or oxygen saturation. It is basically a pulse oximeter, and the same technology as the hospital.  So, it gives me some relief, that she is still breathing and her heart is still beating while I am asleep.  

Ellie has had a few episodes while she has been home.  They are a little bit scary.  I was hoping she was over those completely, but she isn't.  The monitor I have is only for sleeping, if she is too wiggly, it can't pick up her readings.  But, I can tell visually that she is having an episode.  It usually occurs after she eats. She does some weak coughs and kind of goes limp.  Her eyelids turn blue, like a blue eyeliner.  The times I have seen it, I rub her chest and try to wake her up.  One day her eyes kind of jiggled or clicked.... that one scared me.  I called the Dr. to see what to do.  They decided to treat it with Zantac, that maybe her episodes are related to reflux.  Since taking the Zantac, I haven't noticed any more spells.  One day my friend Jenilara had come by to see Ellie and she had an episode, I could tell it freaked her out a little.  They spells don't last really long, but it is obvious that something is happening.  I hope beyond hope, that her episodes will be a thing of the past.

But, my Mom was a champ.  Taking some night shift feedings.  I still breastfeed Ellie first and then finish her off.  I was so impressed that she was able to latch on the first day she came home, after being in the NICU for 90 days.  But I happily skipped a few breastfeeding moments for extra sleep, while my Mom fed her a bottle.
Sally (My mom)  has been a jewel all this week!  She even had one of her painful gall bladder episodes, which was horrible for her.  I felt helpless, and I am sure she would rather have been in her own space being that sick. No more El Sombrero for her!  But Sally, as I like to call her on occasion, was amazing all week!  Waking up at night, taking shifts, has been a blessing.  I was able to go teach my class all this week, which was nice to get out and feel a little more human.  You know when you are cooped up for too long, you feel weird. I was able to go to Church and my meetings.  And the pictures, oh the pictures! My Mom is an amazing photographer, and has such a talent for it, as you will see.  I need to take a picture of her taking a picture, because that is her look! She is 100% confident and happy behind the camera.  Occasionally we can get her in front of it.
I really don't know how I would have survived this first week of school without her.  What a great sacrifice she made coming here.  She is a great Mom.  She is amazing with babies, heck she had 8 herself, she knows what she is doing.  She brought the new movie that she wrote for us to watch on a special screener's copy.  Check it out this Christmas.... "The Christmas Project", it is super cute! And nothing like watching a Christmas movie in the dead humid heat of August! Makes me very excited for when we go home, to Utah, for Christmas.  I can say enough how thankful I am that my Mom came when she did.  And now I truly understand the beauty of a nanny! ;)

Blessing Day!

August 14, 2016   Eliana Jane Cronin's Blessing Day!

Ellie was blessed Sunday evening, August 14, 2016.  We decided to do it at home, instead of during Sacrament meeting because Double  was out of town until Sunday evening, and it would be my Mom's only Sunday in town.  We invited some family and friends to attend.  It was a very special evening and day!  

Such an Angel!

I had meetings Sunday morning, so Grandma Sally once again stepped up to get all the kids ready and to stay home with Ellie, while I took Porter and Addie to church.  I want to limit Ellie to germ exposure, although so much I want to show her off to everyone!  But her health and safety is most important.  So, she will stay away from church for a little while longer.  Maybe once she receives the shot that is suppose to prevent RSV.  I am always careful with my babies and going to church too early.  Not that the church is covered in germs, but sometimes people come to church sick, instead of stay home.  And I have to protect her even more so because of her prematurity.

  Ellie's blessing was very tender.  Heavenly Father has so many wonderful things in store for her.  She has an amazing life ahead of her and I am so honored to be a part of that.  So many rich blessings in store for her.  I was able to bear my testimony after the blessings.  I kept it short, to keep myself from blubbering.  My emotions are close to the surface, I am overcome with gratitude for the amazing blessings in my life.  I wanted everyone there to be able to understand me, so that is why I kept it short.  But I am so grateful for the amazing support system of family and friends that surround me and my precious family.  Sometimes I feel so unworthy of all the wonderful people in my life who love me so, in spite of all my short comings.   We sang "Families can be Together Forever"  It was simple and beautiful.  Although it was different to have the blessing at home instead of at church, I really enjoyed it.  It's a day we won't forget!

Loving big brother

Those who attended, Grandma Sally hidden behind the camera!

Sisterly Love <3

First Smile!

So...... this happened!  

So you might think, that is just gas in her sleep, and I might just agree, but the next day she looked at me and smiled the sweetest yet shortest smile ever!  According to her adjusted age of 4 weeks, this is a little bit early... but I won't complain!

Cardiologist Follow Up Appointment

We went to the cardiologist to follow up with the little holes in Ellie's heart.  They are still there, but they have become smaller, so that is good.  There is nothing we need to do at this point, just follow up in 3 month to see if her body takes care of them... here's hoping and praying for that!

Fun Photos!

Enjoy the beautiful photos by my talented Mama!