9 months later....

Today, June 2, 2015,  my baby was due to be born. Sadly, there is no baby, we lost him in November. (I looked back at my blog and it said my due date was June 5, 2015....oops, bad memory I guess, but the feelings are definitely the same) 
  But, for a while I have been reflecting on the "What If" of everything. What if I was still pregnant, or what if I had had him early, like my other two kids. What would he look like, who would he resemble more. What color would his eyes be? Would he be born with a full head of hair. How big would he have been?  I won't lie, it hurts to even think about, like suddenly all the air has been sucked out of my lungs. A lot has happened since then, and I feel like I have grown a lot.  But, it still hurts, it's still raw in my heart.

          After we lost the baby on November 7, and had the D & C, it was very difficult.  I stayed hidden.  Eventually I came out of hiding.  I continued to bleed after the D & C.  It was different from before.  But it bothered me, because it just kept going.  Like a constant jab at my heart, of what I had lost.  My family and I went home for Christmas, it was great to see my family and feel of their love.  Some very special people even had my blog published into a book, only 10 copies are available! Ha! And it is on Amazon, but without the ability to purchase it.  So, basically I am a published author, which is kind of a big deal!  I felt a lot of love and warmth from my family.  I didn't open up too much about it, it was still very soon after the fact.  My older sister, Jen, had our family have a "Walk with Christ", which through song and word and action, we learned and in a sense, walked with Christ.  It was something I needed at the moment.  I had still had hard feelings about my loss.  And I needed a reminder that I was not alone in those feelings.  That if anyone knew about loss and heart ache, it was the Lord.  And that I needed to depend on him through my trials, and recommit myself to him.  I am grateful for the Spirit in my life, and pray that I can be worthy of the Spirit more regularly.  Home, family, friends....are all a part of healing.  I am so lucky and blessed to have so many special people around me, who make me feel so loved.

          Yet, I continued to bleed.  It was aggravating.  I was told that I could bleed for 4-6 weeks after the surgery.  I was just so tired of bleeding.  It would seem that I would bleed more during when I should be having my period.  And I hoped it would stop after that....but it didn't.  The doctor said we could try again after we had had 2 cycles or so.  But, with this continued bleeding, how would I know if I was having a cycle or not.  I didn't feel okay trying to get pregnant, when I hadn't first stopped bleeding. January came and went.  I was starting to get nervous again.  And stressed out that I might have to have another D&C to stop this bleeding and possibly cause another case of Asherman's syndrome, possibly.  And then I started looking at the cost, how much would this all cost me? I talked to Thomas, and asked how much we would get on our tax return, it came out to be about as much as the surgery would cost.  I told him, with tears in my eyes, that we would be probably spending it on another surgery.  I was so tired of being so out of control.  Why wouldn't my body just work like it was meant to?!  I was getting so frustrated.

          It was the week of February 9, 2015....  I had decided to myself that if it had not stopped by the end of the week, I would contact my Doctor and most likely schedule another D&C.  Thursday came and the bleeding go much heavier that night.  I called the office in the morning.  They told me that the doctor would see me Monday, and unless I bleed through a pad within an hour, I shouldn't worry too much.....ha, I had heard that before.  I still felt uneasy, so I text the doctor. I told him my concerns, and told him I had even passed a little tissue, at least from what I could tell.  He told me he approved of me having a period, if this was a period.  Maybe a Montezuma's Revenge of periods, and maybe if that was what it was, maybe finally all of this bleeding would stop.  He told me, that if I passed out or felt anemic to come right in.  So, I began thinking, maybe this was just a period after all.  No big deal. The bleeding was much heavier than it had been, and much heavier than the times I thought I might be having a period.... so maybe it was all a good thing.  Thomas and I had plans to go out with one of the guys he does business with and his wife.  Our kids were being watched by Thomas's cousin.  I felt kind of crampy. Which was good, right?!  Dinner was fine, until about in the middle I began having painful and intense cramps.  I didn't know these people, this was the first time we had met, so I hid my pain as much as I could.  But it was seriously like being in labor, with intense contractions happening like every 5 minutes.  But, I was trying to be positive, and hoping this was just a big painful period that was going to clean my system out.  I went to the restroom and hadn't leaked through, so that was a relief.  The cramping continued and I endured it through lingered conversation.  Finally, after a couple hours we left.  The ride home was intense and painful too.  I knew Thomas's cousin would want to shoot the breeze when we got home, when all I wanted to do was curl up with a heating pad, a few ibuprofen and die.  We got home and I hurried and took some painkillers and went to the bathroom, while Thomas started to talk to his cousin.  I changed my tampon and it was pretty soaked through.  I came into the living room and we chatted for an hour or so.  Luckily the ibuprofen set in, and I was feeling okay by then.  I had had a Dr Pepper with my dinner, so I was not tired. I stayed up for maybe another hour watching a show.  I finally decided to go to bed.  I went and brushed my teeth and then went to the bathroom before retiring.  To my surprise, I had leaked through my tampon.  That worried me.  I don't remember the last time I had ever leaked through a super tampon, especially within a couple of hours.  I removed the tampon and heard a 'plop' in the toilet. Cold sweat, what was that?!?!  I looked in and saw a piece of tissue (not like a kleenex, but human tissue, a piece of a fleshy something or other) floating in the toilet. It was about half the length of my pinky finger, and about the thickness of it.  I instantly heard my Mom's voice in my head "The doctor will want you to keep that".  So, I fished it out with a plastic fork and put it in a zip lock bag.  It was grayish in color, and dense.  It had blood clots in it.  What was it?!? I was once again wide awake.  I was scared to go back to sleep.  What if I continued to bleed like I had just done and died during the night?!?! That would stink!   I prayed that if that was the case, that Heavenly Father would wake me up.  I wasn't ready to die just yet. :)  The bleeding that had been happening slowed way down, and the cramps stopped completely.  I had figured this little piece had been left over from my miscarriage and missed in the D&C.  My body had been trying to bleed it out since November, and finally basically put me in labor to do it.  The bleeding trickled off that weekend and did finally stop.  I sent a text to my doctor the next morning to let him know what happened.  He wanted me to watch my bleeding and was hopeful that my lining would heal.  I would see him at my annual, which was a month later.  He didn't seem at all interested in seeing the little piece that I had passed.  I wasn't sure what to do with it either.  It seemed wrong to just throw it away or flush it down....even though that is probably the most logical thing to have done.  Don't worry, it isn't in my freezer or anything either. :) But I had trouble deciding what to do with it.  It was the last bit of evidence of my lost baby. And maybe it sounds weird, but I decided to bury it.  With a miscarriage, most times you don't have  funeral, or anything really to say goodbye, or acknowledge what had happened.  No real closure, just emptiness.  So, I took this little piece of tissue and buried it under the peace rose that I had planted years ago in my garden in honor of my Grandma Hiller.  She was always well known for her peace roses, and one Mother's Day, my Dad sent me money to buy a peace rose to plant in honor of Grandma Hiller. 

          It seemed an appropriate way to me, to say goodbye to this little chapter of my life, and hopefully feel some peace soon.... no matter how long that would take.   
         I went to the doctor for my annual. He gave me full approval to start trying to get pregnant.  And we have.  I have tried all sorts of things to help us.  Ovulation kits, basal temperatures, all the good stuff.  We still haven't been successful.  This month I have purchased a digital Ovulation kit, which is supposed to be more accurate.  We shall see.  I feel hopeful, yet oft times defeated.  I guess my faith waivers as to if it is possible for me or not, to ever get pregnant again.  The Doctor said, our bodies want to function as normal as they can.  And will do whatever they can to get back to that normal function.  I hope my body is able.  So many of my friends around me  have brand new babies or are currently pregnant.  I am so happy for them, but it also can be so painful.  Something that I want so badly, that is a righteous thing to desire.....but it may never happen again. It's hard seeing women around me, pregnant, and about how pregnant I should be at the time. I am trying to be hopeful, and I am trying to stay relaxed.  I feel so much pressure and urgency to get pregnant.... and it is 'me' that's causing that pressure, causing me that urgency.  I am not a spring chicken anymore.  I am getting older.  Time is running out. Or so it feels.  Lots of people say, "You are so lucky, you have a boy and a girl, you are set"  And I agree, I do have a wonderful son and daughter.... but I don't feel like my family is complete.  I can't fully explain it.  There is a stirring inside of me, a stirring that is also giving me urgency...that my family needs to grow, that my family is not yet complete.  And perhaps our family will grow, but maybe not through me having a baby.... maybe through adoption.  Now, this is where I really don't know what to do.  I am at a loss as to what the Lord wants me to do.  If I can't have babies on my own, then yes, I would be happy to adopt.  I just don't have a clear answer.  And maybe that is the answer....for me to act.  Yes, we can keep trying.  But maybe we also need to try to bless another child that is born to someone else, but will become a part of our family.  I have gone back and forth on this so much.  Adoption can be very expensive.  We are doing fine financially, but we don't have an extra $30K lying around, ha, I wish we did!!  I have seen people have fundraisers to raise money to afford an adoption.  I don't feel right doing this, because I do have children already. I would rather someone who is going to donate, to donate to have family that doesn't already have kids of their own.  I have thought about foster to adopt programs, that are generally a cheaper way to go.  But again, I have seen friends go through the heartache of having a child placed with them, and they fall in love with the child and then the biological mother, whether fit or not, swoops back in and takes the child away.  I am not sure that I could handle that.  To love and care for a baby, but then for it to be taken.  And that is why I am so confused.  Maybe I have replaced all my faith for my own pitiful reasoning.  I have printed out a Resource Family Application (Foster/Adopt) through the Department of Human Services.  The paper sits before me now.  But I don't know what to do with it.  I fear what could happen, and what might not happen.  I know I need to take time to reflect, to ponder, to seek and to truly ask the Lord.  I need to make decisions, take steps, take risks, let the Lord know how committed I am to growing my family.  I told myself I would give us a year to get pregnant and if we don't, then we would seek out adoption...  but again, I feel so anxious, so much urgency to get to growing my family, in any way that I can.

          I know one thing for certain.... my family is not yet complete.  There are more spirits that are meant to join my family, I know this.  I need to think of this day, June 2, as not a sad day, not a day of what might have been.  But as a resolution to keep fighting for my family to grow.  To not give up.  That my sweet flicker beat baby, lived for a reason.... to give me hope and resolve that my family will grow.  And definitely that I will be reunited with him again one day.

          Today I will think about my baby that I lost. To mourn. To cry some, and that's okay. To celebrate the hope that this baby gave me, the hope that it is possible for me to get pregnant. To increase my faith. To act. And to not give up.  Some of those things will be easier than others, of course.  But I will try to honor the little sweet life, that I had for just a moment, and be the best Mom I can be for my kids I have now, and for the ones that I won't give up on having join our family.