Shots and Such

It is hard to believe that Ellie has been home for a month!  Sometimes it feels longer, but mostly, it has gone by super fast.  She is constantly changing and growing.

 What has changed to most is her focus, she LOOKS at people now. She studies faces.  She seems to be a pretty serious little one.  Ellie takes it all in, and just looks and looks.  She is very careful with her smiles. You have to earn them.  At one point I was trying so hard to get her to smile at me, and was talking in a squeaky voice, singing a silly song and she did a  slow blink... like an eye roll.  As if she were a little annoyed by all the goo goo.  Miss Ellie will make you work, but don't try too hard, you might annoy her! ;) hahah!  She has a hold of our hearts!

  So this happened!  Now that I have to focus so much on Ellie, I am not as on top of things with Porter and Addie.  Or maybe they are screaming for attention.  Luckily it wasn't permanent markers!!  It has been a balancing act, trying to make sure everyone is getting the love and attention they need.  I am trying to find the balance, but I feel guilty that Porter and Addie and Thomas don't have the attention they need.  I know it is something we all have to learn together, but it is hard not to feel guilty.  And sometimes, due to the lack of sleep, I just want to be still and not go out and run around.  I want to rest!  Ha!  I feel we are getting closer to a balance.  I just need to find the time to let everyone in my family have a part of me, and I need to make sure I have time for me too!

  

4 months!

So, Miss Ellie turned 4 months old.  I can hardly believe that it has been that long! She is growing to be such a sweet heart!

Only an hour and half at the health department!
I hate shots.  So does Ellie :(

 At her 4 month appointment she had officially gained, since birth, 10 lbs.  She is 12 lbs 7 oz!  What a difference 10 lbs makes!!  Part of turning 4 months old includes shots :(  Oh how I hate shots!  And to make it more fun, we got to wait at the health department for an hour and a half, full of anticipation.  It was so sad. She was not expecting the brutality of 3 shots.  She didn't cry too long, but she definitely was mad at me.  All day she wouldn't look at me.  My heart was broken. She smiled at Porter, she smiled at Addie, but when I would talk to her, she would just look away.   I think eventually she forgave me when I gave her her bottle.  But I won't lie, my feelings were hurt that she thought I was the one giving 

her the shots!  I would never!  I gave her lots of extra cuddles and kisses, but it still took her a while to look at me!

But in all honesty, that is one of my fears. What if she doesn't like me?!  What if she doesn't bond with me?!  I know she has, but still I worry.  Maybe she just cares for me at the moment because I am the one feeding her and taking care of her.  Thomas thinks it is silly. But I worry about that.  What if I am not enough for her?  But the truth be told. I worry about that with my other 2 kids.  Maybe it is hormones, or maybe just insecurity, or maybe I have just been very humbled by everything.  But I feel like I forever fall short, and that there isn't at times enough of me to give to my family.  I want to be everything they need and more.  I want each one to feel special and cherished and loved.  I want them to know each one has a part of my heart.

This picture popped up on my facebook, it
was taken 4 years ago at the Training
Academy.  Addie and Double. They grow
so fast.

I love Ellie's Owlet Monitor.  It
helps me sleep better knowing that
she is still breathing and her sweet
little heart is still breathing!

Addie lost her first tooth at school!

I have been thinking a lot about Ellie's birthmother.  I really can't even begin to say just how much of an amazing woman she is.  And how much I love her...  She didn't give up her baby, she entrusted Ellie to me.  I know all adoptions are unique and special, but I feel ours exceeded that.  There is much I have to keep private, out of respect. And a lot of our adoption story is untold here on this blog.  But I can say this, the birthmother exceeded my expectations.  I admire her and look up to her.  I am grateful for the woman that she is.  I pray for her, always.  I hope her heart is healing, because I know this wasn't an easy decision for her, and I know she didn't take it lightly.  I know that she was prepared to be the "gift bag", as she called herself, to bring Ellie to our home.  A gift from Heavenly Father.  And I know that He wouldn't leave her alone in that.  I hope she can feel His love and His embrace.  I hope she can feel Him carry her, when it hurts.  I have ached and cried for her, in awe of her great love and sacrifice.  And I pray for her happiness.  I can't even begin to truly thank her. There aren't words for that, really there aren't.  But I can show her. I can promise her that I will love and care for Ellie the best I can.  I will cherish this precious gift both her and our Father in Heaven brought to our home.  With so many coincidences and intricate details that would astonish anyone. Would truly help the unbeliever, believe.  There is a God, a Father in Heaven, who loves His children, and hears our prayers, no matter how quiet or loud they may be, not matter how unimportant they seem. He hears.  And better yet, He answers.  The birthmother was an answer to so many of our prayers.  She is a woman of grace and elegance.  She is a royal daughter of God, and faithful.  She is my sister.  And I love her so much, and will think of her every single day, every moment she will be there.  As I change a diaper, cuddle my baby, kiss her cheeks, and gaze into her eyes.  Forever, we will be bound together in love.  I found a little poem, I'd like to share....

 A Special Bond of Love

                                                                    A poem of thanks to a birth mother.

Once strangers, not knowing of each other,

God brought us together

To share a special bond of love

With a sweet little girl named Eliana.

You may never understand the pain

Or know the tears I cried.

My heart's desire was for a child

To nurture, love, and guide.

I may never understand the pain

Or know the tears you cried.

You said good-bye to this precious child,

Entrusting me to nurture, love, and guide.

I see your face in her pretty smile,

And love in her sparkling eyes.

She's the answer to countless prayers,

A blessing to many lives.

No longer strangers,

We share a special bond of love

With a very precious gift

From our God above.

Sick Hits the Fan

A little bit of sick....

A dark shadow has been cast on the Cronin home...... SICKNESS.  As much I have tried to protect Miss Ellie from germs by avoiding the gym, avoiding church, avoiding the outside world.  It still found it's way inside!  Wretched school is just a breeding ground for germs, that hop aboard my sweet wee ones, and climbs up in my house!  Addie was the one who started it.  Started with a cough.  I was hoping it was just an allergy cough, she gets it twice a year when the weather changes and coughs every night for a month... it's lovely :(  But, it is something in the air and we just can't fight it, but do our best to get it under control.  Well, the weather hasn't changed yet, it is still grossly humid and hot here.  But, I did my best to quarantine her.  Had her sleep back in Porter's room on the top bunk.  It felt like a weird call, which kid should suffer with Addie's cough at night.   But, Porter, and his immune system of living half way in dirt and eating worms, I felt, could handle a cough, more than little Ellie, just new to the world and germs.  And I was hoping it was just allergies, but treating it like a sickness and keeping her away from kisses and cuddles with Ellie.  But then I got sick. First it was a UTI, so I got on some antibiotics.  Then my throat felt sore, then my head felt like it was going to split open!  Ugh, oh no!  Maybe my body got the worst of it, so it could deliver some antibodies to Ellie through breastmilk?!  Luckily none of us had fever.  But Ellie had some green mucous one day when we had to suction her for her reflux episodes (we will go over those further on in the post), so that got me very worried.

   I have realized I have lost a lot of confidence in my mothering skills with Ellie.  Maybe the fact that the last time I had a baby was Addie, and that was 6 years ago.  I just worry so much, and don't want to miss anything.  All those 'what if' questions go through my head, like I am not doing enough and because of that something bad will happen.  It is hard to relax too.  Ellie's circumstances are a lot different then Porter and Addie's were.  To be quite honest, maybe I was just too relaxed with them! Didn't I realize all the bad things that could possibly happen?!?  haha! No, I remember being pretty darn un-relaxed with them too!  There is a lot of pressure to keep your kids alive, and most of it falls on the MOM!  I just couldn't live with myself if something happened to my kids in my care.  So, I called the Doctor... I probably seem more like a first time Mom than a Mom of three.  But in a way, I am a first time Mom... to a preemie.  It seemed like maybe Ellie was possibly developing a cough, or else she was clearing up her throat with a cough.  But, if there was stuff in her throat, isn't that something to be worried about.  You see?!  Case in point..... I am a worried, paranoid Mom!  I think the lack of sleep attributes to that, and the fact that I am sick! But I felt it was best to err on the side of caution.  Ellie's regular doctor wasn't in, so we saw a different one.  On exam she looked fine. Nothing to be concerned about.  I told about the reflux episodes, but they weren't concerned.  I wondered if she was gaining too fast, it is like a pound a week, that was to be expected, preemies are always trying to catch up.  It isn't disappointing to go to the doctor and find nothing wrong, but you begin to doubt your common sense!  But when we had gone to the doctor, Addie had just barely begun her coughing, and I wasn't sick yet.  Ellie's next appointment was for her 4 month check up, like 3 weeks away....  so, I decided to bump that up and reschedule it for this week.  Ellie is still on medicaid, but her pediatrician doesn't take medicaid from the SSI benefit of being premature.  So, it is cash pay.  Why don't I go to another doctor that takes medicaid??!  Just trust me.  I would rather pay the cash and have her see the doctor I trust with my kids.  We plan to get her shots covered at the health department, and if worse comes to worst, the hospital takes medicaid. It won't last forever, and I want to establish her with the doctor I want!

We had her 4 month check up and she weighs 12 lbs 7 oz.

She is the cutest little chunk you have ever seen! That double chin is to die for!  She is growing well and has amazingly avoided the sickness that has been sneaking through the house. I will take her next week for her immunizations.  Then, I feel, we should be able to start joining the world. Maybe go to church. Start trying to get back to our normal life with our special new addition.  I have kept her pretty hidden from the world, to protect her.  With her 4 mo immunizations under her belt, I think I can relax a little.  We are going to try to get her the RSV shot, that she will get monthly, to help prevent the dreaded RSV, it is called synagis.  Hopefully with that, we should be able to combat RSV and make it to spring clear of it!

Reflux and my Son, the hero

   So, as we have been home and apnea and brady cardia spells have somewhat become a thing of the past, a new ugly demon has reared it's head.... reflux.  One morning when my mom was still here, I had heard Ellie waking up from a nap.  When I went in to see her, she was lying in bed with a panic stricken look on her face.  She was squirming, her eyes wide open, and spit up from her nose and mouth.  She was struggling to breathe, gasping and swallowing.  I hurried and picked her up.  Instinct had me find the blue suction bulb.  I suctioned out her nose, and thickish milky mucous came out. I suctioned her mouth.  It took a while for her to calm down and breathe normally.  It was stressful.  It was the first time I had seen it. But it worried me, she was in so much distress!  What if this happened during the night?!  Her monitor wouldn't alarm unless her heart rate was below 60 bpm or higher than 200 bpm.  But she would just be stressing out all on her own.  That made me sad to think about.  I hoped it would be the only time.  But it wasn't.  We were entering into...the Reflux zone.  When it happened again, I called the doctor.  Since she was able to recover, somewhat on her own, and sounded normal after the episode, she didn't need to come in.  I never had a child with reflux before, so this was new.... scary territory.  They prescribed Zantac.  So... maybe after all, she did have reflux, or a silent reflux in the hospital.  But I was in it now, and we were going to face it.

  I had laid Ellie down for a nap and was trying to get the piling dishes done and get some loads of laundry started.  Addie went to look at Ellie sleeping, and said "Mom, she spit up"  I wasn't too worried and tried to finish what I was doing.  Porter then yelled "She's choking!!"  I ran down the hall, and grabbed her out of her brothers arms as he was sitting her up trying to help her, and grabbed the bulb and suctioned her out.  All of us were a little shaken.  She caught her breath finally.  And I just worried, how can I watch her every second? A girl has got to shower and go to the bathroom.  I would need to carry her in a sling forever.  The Dr's office said it would take a week for the zantac to kick in.  I was impressed by my kids quick thinking, and I won't ever take any warning of spit up not serious, again.  

   Once school was back in and my Mom was gone, I had to pack up all three kids and tote them to school.  Addie's school has one of the slowest and craziest car rider lines.  It is a little chaotic, and people get in line in front of you and it is a dog eat dog line!  So there isn't stopping, or looking down for a minute, because if the line is moving, the people behind you want you to move and they will let you know with a honk, who knows how friendly that honk really is!?  There are also very demanding crossing guards, with a little attitude.  Needless to say, it is a high pressure situation there.  Well, wouldn't it be a perfect time for reflux. Where you can't pull over. If you stop people will hound you.  Where you feel helpless as to what to be done.  Well, it struck. Reflux.  I had not put a bulb in the car at that point.  I was completely unprepared.  I assumed since she was in an inclined position, that that reflux precaution would help eliminate it during a car ride. Nope!  Even those most the times the reflux episodes happen were when she was flat on her back.  We were pulling slowly up the driveway to the school, and those fateful words were spoken again from Addie, "Mom, Ellie is spitting up!" I felt helpless, I looked in the rear view, there she was with her panicked eyes, trying to catch her breath. Crap! What to do? Then it happened. Porter jumped back there.  "Get her out, bud" He did. No panic in his eyes, just calm.  Just doing exactly was necessary in this high stress situation.  He unbuckled her and patted her back as she struggled for breath.  I had forgotten to put a bulb in the car (now we have 2 in there).  I pulled over once we got to the top of the hill where the parking lot is.  I jumped back and took over.  It took a little while, but she caught her breath and the worst of it was over.  I handed her back to Porter, and he lovingly patted her back while I walked Addie into school.

My heart I felt so much pride for Porter and his fast acting actions.  I felt like I wasn't alone in this struggle.  I had some help!  We buckled her back in when we felt she was over it.  And I told him how thankful I was for helping me, and staying calm.  He had a little satisfied smile on his face.  He has such a special love for Ellie.  I wish that love would open up more and include a little more of Addie in it too.  But, he definitely has the big brother instinct to take care of and protect his little little sister.  Later that day, I showed him how to use the suction bulb, just in case it happened again.

   The Zantac has seemed to help with the Reflux a lot, and at her 4 month check up, the doctor increased the dose because of her age.  Well, one day this week, after school pick up, I came home and noticed the house felt hot. Oh no. Please no.  I checked the thermostat, it was at 75.  Now maybe for a lot of people, that is a great temperature. But for my family, we like it cold, like wintery cold in our house.  I knew the A/C was out.  I knew that I couldn't sleep hot, but even more so, Thomas wouldn't!  We would have to sleep at his parents house.  I worried how I would manage changing scenes with a new baby, and trying to keep her quiet so his parents wouldn't be disturbed. Luckily they have a huge house, so I was able to go in the big room and keep her there.  I didn't sleep too well, simply because I was on high alert to keep her as less noisy as possible. But during the night I realized I had forgotten to give her her Zantac, it was at home in our fiery inferno of a house, all the way up to 80 degrees ;)  I hoped it would be fine.  We made it through the night with no incidents.  We woke up early, drove home to get all the things we needed to get to school.  And off to school we went.  Again, as we were pulling up to Addie's school, Ellie started having a reflux episode.  Porter hopped right back there and began to suction.  Without hesitation.  That was the moment they got Addie out of the car and I was able to pull over quickly.  He had pure calm on his face. I was just so amazed.  I took over, and the episode wasn't bad, because he had taken action so quickly.  Porter is 11.  And very immature for his age for the most part.  These past few weeks he has grown and done things where I see him in a new light.  I think kids go through times where you worry they won't ever 'get it' or mature... well, we are coming out of that.  He is finally understanding working hard at school pays off.  He even has been laughing at my jokes.  We give each other little side way glances when Addie is spouting off all her new found, very untrue, knowledge.  It is fun.  He is growing up. And I have been so impressed by him lately! And the sweet and tender love he has for Ellie is beautiful.  When I have left her with Thomas, while I run errands or go to a meeting or a baby shower, I usually come back to Porter holding her.  He stays calm and she can feel that.  Thomas had mentioned that Porter had even told him what to do when Ellie was choking.  My little man is awesome!  Maybe he will be a Pediatrician when he grows up.... right now it is Automotive Engineer, but that could change!

Funny Addie

 Addie says the cutest things.....

Addie advice for today: "Find a nicer way to say things."

Yesterday, as we were dropping Porter off to scouts, the nursing home next to the Church was announcing things over the intercom, where we could hear it.
Addie: Mommy, what is that place called again?
Me: A nursing home.
Addie: oh yeah, a nursing home is a place where people get ready for heaven, right?
Me: (muffled chuckle) Well, yeah, I guess you could say that.
Addie: Well that is a nicer way to say it.
Me: To say what?
Addie: you know?! I shouldn't say it, but.... (Almost inaudible) dead. Saying 'going to heaven' is much nicer!
Me: (holding it in) Yes, Addie, you are totally right!

Love that girl!

She is!

Some Recent Happenings thru pics....

she is growing so fast!

Waiting in long car rider lines, that don't move
for daaaays.

Girls got some cleavage!

Porter started Makos. Watch out
Michael Phelps!

Ellie watched him swim for a little bit

quite!

Our Relief Society Bake off was a success! Lots of yummy food from amazing cooks!

Repping her cool new pants from Canaan!

Getting excited to meet baby Enzo!

Estefany's baby shower!

Addie has been desperate to pick her up,
I finally relented. She was doing it without me knowing
until I caught her!  She's such a Mama! I figured she
could WITH supervision!

Ellie is not so sure of this.

 Maybe the beginning of legit Smiles....

So her corrected age is about 6 weeks, so that means we should be having more smiles.  She did one for me one morning, before I grabbed my phone to capture it. I videoed a little of it.  Ellie is quite totally committed to the smile thing, but we are getting there!!!